I banged my toe really hard on the sofa, and now it won’t stop texting me.
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Autocorrect changed “baby rattle” to “baby battle” and now I’m googling where to buy tiny weapons.
a segment like “celebrities read mean tweets” but instead it’s professors reading course evaluations written by students who failed their class
they finally got him. they got macavity
I thought she was the one until I saw her make hot chocolate with water.
I found my first grey pubic hair today. Normally these things don’t bother me but it was in my Big Mac.
Going to couples therapy with my alibi until we make it work because I’m not giving up on this relationship.
long ago, the four philosophers lived together in harmony
“Omelet you finish.”
– Kanyegg West
My husband is turning 58 tomorrow. Join me wishing him “Jesus, you’re how old?”
approaching the 7-year anniversary of putting my stem cells in my dad’s bones and growing my bone marrow there thus killing his cancer and giving me years of “he’s a lesbian in his bones” jokes
[first day being homeless]
What thread count are these newspapers?
[work call]
Me: this is Erin
Caller: hey hun how ya doin this is Frank Ravioli I was referred to you by David
Me: (assuming this is an elaborate hoax by my best friend) oh sure Frankie Rav how may I help you
Caller:
Me:
Caller: David from (one of my best clients)
Me: oh no
LIFE HACK: dont jump over a dog becuase he wil get comfused and thimk ur a frisbee and try to bite u
EDWARD SNOWDEN: I can help determine the writer of that anonymous op-ed
TRUMP: What op-ed?
EDWARD SNOWDEN: Not much, what’s op with you?
People overlook Dracula’s positive attributes. In his bat form, he eats mosquitoes and other unwanted backyard insects.
If I had a pet unicorn, I’d probably just use it to carry my donuts around.
I just stabbed a pin in my arm.
Somewhere out there a bunch of voodoo dolls just said ‘Ouch.’
Patients get nervous when I walk into surgery wearing my lucky cape but I didn’t go to medical school so I need all the luck I can get.
I’ve written a musical called Fish. It’s very similar to Cats, although Memory’s a lot shorter.
It’s funny how we all sleep differently. I sleep on my side My roommate sleeps on his back. My ex sleeps with everybody. That sort of thing
Scientists have yet to pinpoint why the universe sends a loud car, barking dog or gale force winds past your house just as your kid is about to drift off to sleep.
You know you’re ordering too much takeout food when the delivery guy replies ” it’s me” when you ask who’s at the door.
I could EASILY beat the Predator in a rap battle cuz what’s he gonna do? Click at me? Ok loser
Me: Achoo!
People trying to scare me: Boo!
My bladder: I hate October.
Today is the birthday of Erwin Schrödinger, best known for being the world’s worst cat sitter.
JUDGE: so u plan to plead insanity?
ME: let me double-check with my counsel
*A googly-eyed sock puppet whispers in my ear*
ME: yes ur honor
My wife said we would save money on Halloween candy if we bought it at Aldi so I guess we’re handing out Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
You known you’ve been on twitter too long when autocorrect will not type ducks.
Check out this list number 5 is awesome.
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.awesome
If a tree falls on your ex in the woods and no one’s around to hear it, you should probably still get rid of the chainsaw.