I basically have 3 hairstyles…
Straight.
Wavy.
Homeless.
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Last-minute gift idea!
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight,
Begging for my cat’s attention
“The library computer is down, can you fix it?”
“What’s not working for you?”
“I can’t get to Facebook.”
“Oh, yeah, I think I heard that Facebook is down.”
“So can you fix it?”
“I mean it’s not a library thing, it’s down everywhere.”
“…So are you not gonna fix it?”
Shout out to the top 5 cakes in the world, crab, pan, pound, urinal and let them eat.
7YR OLD: dad, when Bruno Mars sings “so many pretty girls around me & they waking up the rocket,” what’s he mean?
ME: he’s a NASA scientist
I put my pants on just the same as everyone else…
With one hand, so I don’t have to sit my phone down.
When I was a child, 49 seemed like such an ancient, faraway age, where people would probably totter about aimlessly and confused, forgetting everything, with parts of their decrepit body falling off. Now I actually am 49, I realise I was absolutely spot on.
There’s a good time and a bad time to share feedback with your wife about things that have been weighing on you, like your inner most desires, hopes or just tightening lids better.
There’s also a horrible time.
Wife: *on hands and knees cleaning up a half a gallon of ranch*
We will always be important enough to fit into someone’s motive. However, that is not the kind of importance we want to carry around
In first grade when I’d tell my parents what I learned in class and they’d act amazed, I’d think “Shouldn’t you know this shit already?”
According to customer service I can not bring sexy back…
Without the receipt, apparently.
coroner: his stomach was completely filled with guacamole
detective: and that’s what killed him?
coroner: [looks at detective then at the axe in my skull then back at detective] no
Company loyalty can often be explained by Stockholm syndrome.
I’ve never been #BackToTheFuture , but my mom always used to promise me she’d knock me into next week if I didn’t behave.
Me: *buying a pair of socks and a pack of gum*
Kohl’s cashier: You saved $439 today.
If I were a cashier I’d pretend people were waiting in line to kiss me.
I got drunk with my dad once and I asked him if his boner curved to the left too, he replied “No, you got that from your mother”. 🙁
7-year-old: *telling me the rules of a game she made up* The goalies get swords.
Me: I am so in.
Me: *brings home new puppy*
My dogs: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!
On Twitter, people respect you for sharing your deepest, darkest flaws. Unless those flaws are typos, in which case, die in a fire.
MOTHRA: try this, its crunchy & juicy
GODZILA: i cant, im on a…low-car diet
MOTHRA: o ha ha like low-carb
GODZILA: ha ha
HUMANS IN CAR: AHHH
Being with you is like listening to golf on the radio.
2016: Trump elected
2018: Border wall completed
2020: Mexico takes Gold, Silver & Bronze in Pole Vault at the Summer Olympics
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
Haters gonna hate…
Masters gonna bate.
Why do we call it tunafish? Is there any other tuna out there that’s not a fish?!!?
I like it when my kids are old enough to drink out of the toilet on their own. That way I don’t have to get out of bed to get them a drink.
I took my 4-year-old to a children’s museum and they switched up the little grocery store. My 4-year-old was not happy. She turned into a 40-year-old woman shopping at her grocery store real quick, “why is everything different? I don’t like it!”
My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, “I don’t want Santa to see me when I poo.”
Judge: For the crimes you have committed you will go to prison for 10 years
Me: That’s a long sentence!
Judge: Ok – “you get 10 years”