@chicnlil1

I basically have 3 hairstyles…

Straight.
Wavy.
Homeless.

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@IamEnidColeslaw

If a tree falls in the woods can I stand under it so I don’t have to go to work tomorrow?

@shesananteater

My neighbor started mowing his yard at 6am so I opened all my windows and vacuumed because I don’t understand how revenge works.

@Birdhumms

My phone keeps sending me a message telling me moisture has been detected in my usb port, I think it might be flirting with me

@ch000ch

if u hear ur roommate using ur beard trimmer in the bathroom but they come out and look exactly the same u should buy a new beard trimmer

@atanenhaus

“Don’t stop, don’t stop! Oh god, PLEASE DON’T STOP.” – me to the server grating cheese over my pasta plate

@BobGolen

What did the bra say to the hat? “You go on a head, I’ll give these two a lift.” (I’m back to silly jokes. Probably for the best.)

@ElizaBayne

My nickname is Gilette because I’m the best a man can get. Also, I will cut you

@SaltyMacTavish

I don’t know I guess I always thought Spock would’ve had more ear hair sorry to get political

@daddydoubts

Me: lol this guy is drunk after only two beers.

Wife: stop giving our toddler beer.

@AnkCoupleTO

[special ops briefing]

Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out