I basically have three hairstyles.
1. Straight
2. Wavy
3. Homeless
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This chick last night told me to do her like her ex husband so I drained her bank accounts and banged her sister
Never ask a girl “How are you single?”
BECAUSE THEY WILL SHOW YOU
My friend couldn’t pay his water bill…
so I’ve sent him a “Get well soon” card.#WorldWaterDay
Tweet thieves know how to take a joke.
Welcome to my home! No you’re mistaken, it isn’t a mess, it’s just gallery-style so you can see everything we own at once. Watch your step.
A Video no one needed, but since I miss saying these things, here is what Product Managers actually do.
Ask & say a bunch of random things to sound smart.Hope I get hired for my honesty at least if not for my skills 😀
Tricks I can do with a skateboard
•look at it
•smell it
•rub the top
•fall off it if I stand on it
•spin the wheels with my fingers
•sell it
My one egret is eating at the aviary. My food had a heron it.
I haven’t seen Lost, Dexter, or The Walking Dead. But, I HAVE been to Walmart.
“Right, whose round is it?”
Translation: It is not my round and I know whose round it is.
Good morning! Today I am manifesting the following:
-you having a good day
-a plain toasted cinnamon raisin bagel
-$50
-the total & complete downfall & internal collapse of my landlord’s morally bankrupt HOA
-weather that only requires a light coat
If you’d like to be left alone just carry a doll everywhere you go.
Always trust the judgements of a man who honestly answers to the question ‘What’s up?’
Want to feel old? This is what the vampires from Buffy the Vampire Slayer look like now.
Dog owners: this is my precious angel boy who I payed $3,000 for last November and I finally got to take him today he’s my everything and all
Cat owners: this is my trash gremlin she was stuck in the gutter across the street and I lured her out with shrimp on a string
Since Justin Bieber has the “Beliebers” and Lady Gaga has the “Little Monsters” I’d like to name Robin Thicke’s fans “Thickeheads.”
INTERVIEWER: you got the job when can you start
ME: this year for sure
okay but exactly how dangerous are these ducks?
No thanks, 28 yr old hitting on me at the bar… With our age difference, I wouldn’t be a cougar… more like a saber-toothed tiger.
I changed my hubby’s name and pic to the Easter Bunny in my phone so my kid can text “him”
I freaked out later when EB was calling me.
Mensa should be contacting me any day now.
REVOLUTION HAS BEGUN!!!
First, they came for the lettuce… and I said nothing because I don’t eat lettuce.
Then, they came for the kale… and I said nothing because I don’t eat kale.
Then they came for the fries…
and I said, OH. HELL. NO.
[When your mom calls you by your full name]
Mom: Scoobert Doobert!
Scooby: Ruh roh
[alligator store]
Clerk: $1500. Thanks
Me: not gonna say bye to him?
Clerk: uh
Me: say it
Clerk: goodbye
Me: say “see you later alligator”
i have a playlist titled russian roulette which is composed of under pressure by queen like 10 times and ice ice baby by vanilla ice once
I partied like it was 1999 and when I woke up, I was holding a huge flip phone with an enormous roaming charge.
[date]
ME: Tell me about yourself
HER: I love good listeners and Fred Astaire
ME: That’s weird
HER: What is?
ME: Being afraid of stairs
a whale would make a great face mask because no one would be able to get within 100 ft of you
me: i guess you could say i’m “livin the dream” lol
teacher: sure but why the one where you show up to school naked
48 hr deodorant only lasts 8 hours. Welcome to my TED Talk.