I be like “I gotta drink more water” then take one little sippy sip and then give the rest to my house plants
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ME (pulling wishbone): I won
WIFE: what’d u wish for?
M: uh world peace
W: Nice
*human-sized bacon strip walks into kitchen* Hey, what’s up?
I’m so glad the Met gala is back because after all the sadness and introspection of last year I can once again ask “What is this event exactly” and “Who cares” and “Why do I know this is a thing”
Man, those guys in the Cialis commercial sure are charmed by their wives’ approximations of human behavior
There’s an owl calling for its mate outside my window, maybe I should go out and try that too
DIVING INSTRUCTOR: Does anyone know how to defend a shark attack?
ME: I would say the shark was just acting on instinct & couldn’t help it
If you enjoy “naked and afraid”, check the the streaming of my new hit show: barefoot and mildly annoyed
Do you know where mansplainers get their water from?
Well, actually…
All archaeology proves is that our ancestors were skeletons and they lived underground.
This sink looks like my kids’ toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
The purpose of Terrorism is to scare and make people feel unsafe, which is something it has in common with Cable News.
There’s no gangsta way to say “Oopsie Daisy.” I know that now.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s another chin, have a nice day.
[murder scene]
Snail detective 1-He left a decent trail
SD2- Let’s track him down
*10 hours later*
SD1-Damn that guy is fast
*elbows date in ribs*
“see that asterisk next to the ‘have it your way’ slogan?”
where it says “within reason?”
“that’s because of me”
Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret. – Ambrose Bierce
My parents kept me humble from a young age by sarcastically asking “How do you think you’re paying for that, with your good looks?”
kevin is now a local weatherman
“You know who needs more attention? Celebrities. Maybe we could give them trophies or something.” Good idea, Oscar. What’d you have in mind?
I just remembered that Sun Chips made a fully biodegradable bag and people were like “this sucks, it’s too loud” as if Sun Chips consumers need a tactical stealth corn snack. Like buddy you’re eating sour cream and onion chips not infiltrating Bin Laden’s compound.
aliens probably fly past earth and lock their doors
I bet all the cool math nerds call each other algebros.
My 18 year-old was complaining about her job so I told her it’ll be ok she only has 47 years left.
I’m not a chef but sometimes I use the word umami so people know I’ve seen some cooking shows.
ME: And now to test my greatest invention, the cowtapult!
COW: M
O
O
o
o
o
o
。
。
.
.
.
.
.
*gets crushed by a bus*
*checks to see if phone is intact*
“On my way” I said, pretending to drive my bed.
Why do they have to make things childproof when I’m still functioning at a kindergarten level of dexterity
I’m a married white male; my forefathers saw to it that I’m not allowed to be offended by anything.
Okay, which one of you asked if this year could get any worse?