I beat my personal best for competitive eating today, scoffing 34 hot dogs, including buns in under 15 minutes.
I don’t suppose I’ll be invited to any more of next doors’ BBQs, however.
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Dude yelled “Fight me like a man” at me, so I held him down and marginalized him for a thousand years.
[at my grandmas house]
MY GRANDMA (not the grandma whose house we’re at but my other grandma): (to my grandma whose house we are at) hey
We’re all eagerly waiting for that one opportunity, e-mail, or moment to positively change our lives, but text message scams really need to step up their game. No one offering anything of actual value would start a message by saying “CITIZEN! YOU HAVE BEEN SELECTED.”
When I call back Domino’s a second time to let them know it’s been over an hour and my pizza still hasn’t been delivered.
I told my therapist I was afraid of spontaneously combusting, so she prescribed me an anti-inflammatory.
Friend: you know what would suck
Me: yes, being a claustrophobic turtle
Friend:
Me:
Friend: how do you even function
interviewer: what are your strengths?
me: I know where you live
Dad law states that you can use your kids’ piggy bank money to pay the ice cream truck. Especially when your wife and kids aren’t home.
Therapist: Would you date yourself?
Me: No, I deserve better…
Ruin someone’s day by asking to see their tattoo then saying “is it supposed to be crooked?”
If your problem can be solved by:
Naps
Cake
Drugs
Alcohol
or MurderThen you don’t really have a problem.
Once in my life I’d like a password or username prompt to be all, “Shit you’ve almost got it. You’re getting closer.”
Your mom doesn’t understand
Your dad doesn’t understand
Your friends don’t understandBut french fries, french fries understand you
My mom was in town and stopped by with a ‘mom care package’ several days ago.
It included clean wipes because “they’re handy when you know a shower isn’t going to happen.”
I now smell like a toddler.
After dinner last night my wife brought out 5 cupcakes for dessert and said, one for every person in the family. There’s only 4 of us so I had a mini panic attack thinking we were going to have 3 kids under 4 and once she saw my face she screamed, I can’t count, I can’t count!
[courtroom]
me: [under my breath] ᴵ ᵈᵒⁿ’ᵗ ᵈᵉˢᵉʳᵛᵉ ʲᵃⁱˡ ᵗⁱᵐᵉ
judge: pardon?
me: omg thank you
Me: Why is a squid throwing away all my stuff?
Calamarie Kondo: What
I was gonna buy a phone charger at the airport but I didn’t have $7000.
Just so you know, anytime I’ve said, ‘duly noted,’ I ain’t noting shit.
I wonder if those folks that wrote “Never change!” in my yearbook regret their choice of words.
Jesus: the bread is my body
Judas: *cutting carbs* I see
Ever need something at the grocery store but someone is standing right in front of it? So instead of rushing them you just pretend that you’re looking at what’s right next to you and be all like “wow these are some nice bacon bits”
So hot these last few days I’ve consumed 1,473,968 gallons of water and only peed 3 times
Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news
I decided to change things up for my neighbors. Instead of seeing me topless, they caught me bottomless.
I laughed at Yoda for hiding in a swamp
Then again, he’s the only Jedi to ever die from old age
Maybe he knew what he was doing after all.
microdosing lsd to gain a creative advantage at my job as a subway sandwich artist
WHY would you be happy about this?
“did you ever get married?”
[wife looks around her old gym at high school reunion and sees me debating if I can touch the rim] no