I become instantly beautiful when I put on my sunglasses.
-Every girl, ever.
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The folks who write fragrance commercials must be like “I had the weirdest dream, Imma put it on TV.”
Tomorrow’s forecast seems ominous.
[father & son looking up at the night sky—observing starlight from millions of yrs ago] son, the most important thing in this world is money
ON TWITTER FOR TEN MINUTES: aw sweet, there’s so many smart funny people here
ON TWITTER FOR AN HOUR: my life is now dedicated to vengeance on PatriotMike24396857
They banned trick or treating this year so I’ll just be sitting on my porch handing out bad advice to anyone who walks by.
a bathrobe is being naked with plausible deniability and pockets.
Boomers: People are too sensitive and need to toughen up
Millennials: People need to care more and help each other out
Gen X: Die Hard is a Christmas movie
My special superpower is seeing patterns. Grandma thinks it’s a bullshit superpower, her knitting room is full of them
Golf fans be like “what’s your favorite club?”. It’s chicken, my dude, followed by soda
Honey, do you think if we met now instead of 15 years ago, we’d still marry each other?
{turn to see husband shaped hole in the wall}
Son [doing homework]: What’s an example of a palindrome?
Me: Mom.
Son: Ugh. Fine. Mom can you give me an example of a palindrome?
Wife: Dad.
Son: OHMYGOD WHY WON’T YOU GUYS HELP ME
“I’ll sleep when I’m dead” – me, before having kids
“I will murder someone for a nap”- me now
Daughter has prom tomorrow so I’ve been practicing my “Menacing Dad Face” all day….so far I’ve had a colleague offer me Tums.
We got a dusting of snow here in Michigan. Or as people south of Ohio refer to it: “Death Blizzard 2017.”
“No points, illegal kick to the face.”
“But I’m the hero of this movie.”
“Fair enough, here’s your trophy.”
-The Karate Kid
*T-Rex stubs his toe*
OUCH I’M SO MAD. JUST… MAD. I’M…“Angry? Agitated? Irritated? Anno-”
SHUT UP THESAURUS NO ONE ASKED YOU.
It breaks my heart to think that of the 100 million hardworking pads of paper in this country, only about 20% are legal.
me: I can’t wait for the elections to be over so I can remove these political signs
proctologist: how many are in here
*married driving*
Her: ‘You should pass this guy.’
Me: ‘You should have told me that vasectomy was completely unnecessary.’
Stranger: Where did you get peanut butter scented sunscreen?
Me: Sunscreen?
Hug your teenagers today. In all likelihood they’ll be mortified by it and you can enjoy that sweet, albeit brief, victory.
Me: This is the year I’m going to save money.
Also me: *googles, “how to purchase a baby elephant?”*
Me: oh and I forgot to tell you…
My kid to his friend: you go on ahead, this is going to take a while
I would make a good cat because I also like to pause in the middle of a fight to lick my own shoulder real fast
Me *sneezes*
My cat: EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF
Wife: I can’t find my phone
Me: Want me to call it?
Wife: Sure, I –
Me: PHONE, HERE BOY
First day of our road trip going well. My husband made an itinerary showing the first scheduled stop at a Love’s gas station 275 miles away. What my husband forgot: I have physically birthed 4 children.
my (38F) identical twin daughters (11F) met at summer camp and have unionized
95% of pet ownership is just saying “hello” to them in various tones.
Me: What are you doing?
4yo: I’m scalloping like a horse.