“I” before “E”, except after “C”. That’s an efficient rule. Very efficient. Yep…efficient.
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Your fancy knocking pattern isn’t going to entice me into answering the door, either.
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
Running away doesn’t help you with your problems. Unless you’re fat.
I only have Facebook to keep track of where everyone I know is going to be, so I don’t show up there.
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
One of my boys just hit me with a “who’s all there” text so now I’m in the club taking attendance like an overwhelmed substitute teacher
I left Wyoming because I got tired of scrolling all the way down to find my state.
For fifty bucks this Yellowstone park ranger said he can get me into his top secret bear hugging seminar
I’m at my most superstitious when there’s no wood in sight so I knock on paper three times. Hey, it’s made from trees and I don’t want to jinx myself.
Vader: Join the dark side!
Luke: Maybe. What’s your Wi-Fi password?
Vader: We don’t have Wi-Fi.
Luke: I’LL NEVER JOIN YOU!
[first day as a cop]
MY PARTNER: oh shit, there’s a body in this house!
ME: yeah frank, there are bodies in all houses, that’s where people live
I told my daughter she had to donate two toys to the community toy drive and she picked two of her sister’s toys to give away so I’m pretty sure she’s gonna be a CEO someday.
I hate people who make grandma mistakes.
“Don’t you mean grammar mistakes?”
*Slaps green Jello out from her hand*
I know what I said.
casting director: can you play a Canadian?
me: eh?
casting director: [under breath] holy shit
*hears recording of my voice*
Me: Haha! Do I really sound like that?
Judge: Please refrain from commenting on the state’s evidence.
I inject heroin into my arm that’s scarred from times prior, my eyes roll back into my head as my manager pounds on my door telling me I’m on in five minutes. Let’s rock I say as I grab my bass guitar, take a pull of whisky, and get into my chuckee cheese mouse band costume
Joggers that run early in the morning aren’t doing it for the exercise, they are just looking for dead bodies. “5am, welp time for my daily sweep for murder victims,” they say.
I hate when you get all excited bc someone says they had a dream about you and then you find out you were just there holding a clipboard
Absolutely insane clap-to-blink ratio
“Jingle-horse” sounds like an insult made by someone who wasn’t very good at crafting insults
Recipe called for 3 eggs. Only had 2. No problem, I thought, I’ll just cut the recipe by one third.
Deep within the ingredient list, 2 and 2/3 cups of Bisquick cackled, basking in the moment it would reveal itself, far too late for anything to stop the math that would be needed
Drafting a lengthy preamble to a meeting I’m running helps to set the tone, provide context, and guarantee that I’m never asked to run a meeting again
Monkey: What is this amazing fruit
Other Monkey: they’re bananas
Monkey: I know I like them too but what are they called
This Prius we rented is pretty sweet. It can go 0-60 in 6 hours.
When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.
my (38F) identical twin daughters (11F) met at summer camp and have unionized
what did president abe lincoln call his journal?
…his lincoln logs
For $100 I will FaceTime you in scrubs on Thanksgiving and pretend to be your boyfriend that couldn’t make it because he had to work in the hospital
we baptize all our dinosaurs just in case all that catholic shit turns out to be true
I might consider rejoining the Catholic church if the Pope knew karate. Otherwise forget it.