@jjhartinger

*i before e except after c.
Unless you’re an 8yo heir planning a heist to seize a surveillance sleigh owned by a sheik at a reindeer farm.

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@iwearaonesie

Hell hath no fury like a woman who stepped on the Legos you promised you’d pick up

@English_Channel

get yer dragons here! get yer dragons… I have menthol and non-menthol, get yer dragons!!

@xLiserx

Superheroes come from broken homes & inattentive parents.

Parents, stop hugging your kids. We need a Batman.

@JimMcCue

I choose a lazy person to do a hard job. Because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it. – Bill Gates
How is it this guy has not hired me yet?

@Wtftab

I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.

@noog

Middle finger in the air, if you don’t really care. It’s like that sometimes man, ridiculous. Life can be sometimes ridiculous.

@Hormonella

Wish I could focus on anything with even half the intensity of my dog watching me eat yogurt.

@birbigs

My inner monologue 90% of the time: “I don’t get it.”

@pplwtching

Sober me:

It would be convenient to have a urinal in my house.

Drunk me:

A urinal! *pees in sink*

@TweetPotato314

boss: you know what’s weird

me: how the flintsones celebrate Christmas even tho they live in 10,000 b.c?

boss: how the flin— yes exactly