*i before e except after c.
Unless you’re an 8yo heir planning a heist to seize a surveillance sleigh owned by a sheik at a reindeer farm.
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Officer: …
Me: I was trying to pamper him!
O: By blow drying his hair?
M: Yes! Like a salon!
O: In the bathtub?!
M: It’s … luxurious
Fortune cookie- You will have a successful TV show.
Me- How old is this cookie?!
My son couldn’t find his shoes, so I told him that I hid his allowance in them and it’s amazing how fast he found them.
Yeah? Well the Bible also tells us that abstinence isn’t 100% effective, Mary.
Sex in the snow is wintercourse.
FRIEND: Women want guys who take charge
ME: ok
[later]
WAITER: [to date] Ready to-
ME: [shoves waiter and grabs notepad] Ready to order?
I don’t pick my nose in the car. I’m worried the airbag will deploy and force my finger into my brain.
How come no one in a zombie movie has ever seen a zombie movie
Being in my mid 30s is just constantly worrying that today is the day I get REALLY into model train sets
still one of the greatest philosophical minds of our time
I take a prop microphone wherever I go. If a reporter sticks a mic in my face during a tragedy, I can pull out my own and return the favor.
My favorite people are the ones that like to pass judgement on others because they have obviously lead a perfect life
Me: Who had two thumbs and just had a bandsaw accident? This guy
Doctor: Which Guy?
Studies show that 100% of all parents think alcohol tastes much better after spending the day with children.
I’m a new werewolf and I have questions
-where am I going
-do I have to stay up all night I like to go to sleep at 9pm
-is howling at the moon necessary I have sensitive vocal chords
-do i really have to hunt & kill things I have a gluten allergy can I just go to Whole Foods
Once, when I was drunk, I threw a fan out of my bedroom window because it wouldn’t turn on.
Guess I should of plugged it in first to see why.
Sir, would you like to upgrade your $7 small popcorn to a large and get a soft drink for an additional $1200?
“You know what, we need a huge spoon to take care of this” -Guy who invented shovels
My goal weight is:
2020 never happened.
10’s teacher: Your son has excellent grades
Me: Cool
Teacher: And a very sarcastic sense of humor
Me: *tears up* I couldn’t be more proud
The thing that makes me suspicious of hair ties is you have either 25 of them, which show up on every surface of the house and the bottom of your bag, or zero. There is no in between.
Hey, sexy. Wanna merge our DNA and make mini versions of ourselves who will never give us a moment’s peace and destroy all our stuff?
no matter how many years they’ve been practicing, a bagpipe player always sounds like they started learning that day
Pinky toes do two things: nothing and break.
Please respect my privacy at this difficult time. I’m in morning.
GOD: u get powers for one day and this is what u do?
[every animal now has a startle reaction like a pufferfish]
[an obese tiger rolls by]
Suck it losers, I just bought an autographed picture of Jesus for two grand.
idea: business cards that just say NO
Sir can I have 5 mins of ur [card]
Girl can I get ur number [card]
BRO DID U STEAL MY NO CARDS [card]
ME: [wearing donuts as glasses] did u just call me immature
WIFE: yes
ME: [removes donuts & tries to clean with shirt] your moms immature