I beg your pardon?
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Dr: I’m afraid you’ve got airportitis
Patient: airportitis? I’ve never heard of it. Is it… serious?
Dr: it’s terminal
P:
Dr:
P:
Dr: nah, you’ve just got a cold
P: you’re an awful human being
I heard a landline ring the other day and I legit thought it was a fire alarm
You woke me up for only THIS?! I yell at my bladder, pointing to the toilet
*first day in prison orientation*
Warden: Are there any questions?
Me: uh…any possibility of…say…field trips?
Warden: …
Me: *looks around* oh…like I’m the only one who wanted to know!!?!
I napped the entire afternoon away.
I still feel like garbage but at least I’m well-rested garbage.
The partisan media is ONCE AGAIN twisting my words, so let me make this perfectly clear: I am NOT a little teapot. The video clips being circulating showing me stamping my feet and repeatedly insisting that I AM a little teapot have been taken out of context.
“Gary give me the gun”
“I thought you had it”
“I TOLD you to bring it”
“I didn’t”
“who brought the getaway car?”
-Disorganized crime
3yo: why do you have to die one day?
Me: probably because of something I said to mommy.
Me:(Standing on a Bosu Ball at bootcamp) No one tells us what to do.
Trainer(rolling eyes) Rene, get down. You asked me to teach this.
There was a time when all I needed was to feed my grandpa’s goldfish, play with fridge magnets, and drink a 7up with a cherry… but daylight savings ruins everything
Yesterday I watched a YouTube tutorial on how to install a chandelier.
Today I’m watching a YouTube tutorial on how to clean up after a chandelier fire.
Keep salespeople from pestering you by asking what type of saw can cut through bone and sinew the quickest.
Therapist: …and if you don’t start working to control your anxiety, you’ll never stop making your own private hell
Me: so I get to be the devil
Therapist: no absolutely no-
Me: Very cool
Therapist: wait but
Me: incredibly cool
How do I rate our solar system?
One star
This painting is titled:
Would It Hurt You To Put The Dirty Bowl In The Dishwasher?
ME: I like a girl with a bit of ink
OCTOPUS: Oh hey
Thinking about quitting my job to pursue my dream of not working.
Bruce Willis is at the supermarket, standing by the cucumbers & laughing hysterically, pointing at them with tears streaming down his face
Gonna install a mirror inside my fridge so that every time I open it to look for a snack, it’s always there.
Me: how about we role-play?
Her: ooh you’ve been a bad boy, go sit on the naughty step for *checks time left on the show she’s watching* 23 minutes.
If u havin girl problems i feel bad for u son
jery had 73 girlfriends throughout seinfelds run
Him, handing me a beer: One for the road?
Me: Sure.
Me, pouring it on the street: This seems wasteful.
Me: I love you!
Girlfriend: Is that you, or the vodka talking?
Me: It’s me…talking to the vodka.
Her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride dolphins
Me: i’m taking a plane Linda
Wife: My water broke!
Me: I’ll call the plumber
Wife: My baby’s coming!
Me: I’m sorry, since when is the plumber your “baby”?
a group of ocelots is called an awfelot
🤣🤣🤣
I can’t move mountains but I can shift blame.
My town had a really bad storm 2 days ago& my neighbor lost the roof of his house& the poor guy doesn’t have insurance. I’ve decided to start a gofundme to raise $ so I can go to Hawaii for a few weeks cuz he’s about to start doing construction& I hate being around all that noise
The orcas took down that F-35 fighter jet.