I believe extraterrestrials arrived on Earth via flying lavatories. I believe in scientoiletgy, my friends.
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It’s only Quarantine if it’s in the Quarante province of France. Otherwise it’s just Sparkling Isolation.
Darth Vader: *chops of Luke’s hand* You underestimated what I’d do if you touched the thermostat!
Luke: Wait, you’re my dad?
Dances with Wolves is not about famous wolves competing for a mirror ball trophy. I know that now.
Every time we take our dog to obedience school I can’t help but think about everything that we did wrong when we were training our kids.
Snakes full of cheese instead of poison would certainly improve the atmosphere at this church.
I bet my mom is looking down on me right now, wherever she is.
She’s not dead, just very condescending.
I’m so bad at making decisions that whenever I hit a yellow light I scream, open my car door and throw myself out
BEAR JESUS: *Emerges from cave after 3 days*
EVERYONE ELSE: This… this is not as impressive.
69% of people find something dirty in every sentence.
A smartphone that waits 20 seconds after you unlock before showing you notification indicators so it doesn’t distract you from going to do the thing you opened it for in the first place for so long you forget what it was.
An online quiz guessed my age using some incredibly accurate super scientific data and it turns out I’m 25 years old. And obviously we don’t argue with science.
“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.
Her: I want to have your babies.
Me: You’ll have to wait until they get off from school.
How many of these sleep podcasts started as just regular podcasts before the host came to the harsh realization that their show was dull so they pivoted
Why is vanilla a synonym for boring? Vanilla is delicious. Imagine a world without vanilla. It would be so oregano.
freezing my eggs so i can chuck em at his house later
Nurse at the doctor’s office took my blood pressure, and I swear she was one pump away from hearing my safe word.
[at work party]
Hey Bill…weird, have you always been a scotch guy?
Bill (eating directly from tape dispenser): I stick with it.
ME: Here she comes.
BRAIN: Great!
ME: Quick, what do I say?
BRAIN: Tell her she’s like a fine wine.
ME: Okay.“YOU’RE LIKE FINE WINE I’D LIKE TO PUT YOU IN A CONTAINER WITH A CORK IN YOUR MOUTH AND KEEP YOU ON A RACK IN MY CELLAR UNTIL I’M READY TO ENJOY YOU”
BRAIN: Excellent.
Dear guy that just shoplifted a brick from the supply centre, how close are you to finishing the construction of your dream home?
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
The neighbors are looking at me strangely again. Like they have never seen a man sitting on his roof with a pair binoculars before.
Twitter yesterday: We are outraged about the lion!
Twitter today: We are outraged about the outrage about the lion!
[pitching script]
WRITER: then the motorcyclist removes their helmet…
PRODUCER: *yawns*…and its a woman?
W: it’s a burrito
P: holy shit
[First date after divorce]
Me: I’m gonna need to see your medical records.
A moment of silence please for the bottle of wine I just dropped.
It was a tragic accident.
Gone too soon.
is there nothing we can trust anymore
[Phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u love?
W: omg YES!
ME: I’m petting a dog near there
Me: Did you see that woman’s swim suit?
Husband: The tall brunette? With the black bikini? Carrying a pink bag?
Me: Yes.
Husband:
Me:
Husband: No, I did not.