@petemandik

I believe:
– I can fly.
– Children are the future.
– Knowledge is power.
– I will use my powers to defeat the future children.

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@SortaBad

We can land a rover on freakin Mars but still no single-button to push for the
¯_(ツ)_/¯ emoji

@DadandBuried

60% of parenting is making grand plans to do something special with your kids and then hoping they forget about them so you don’t have to go.

@jackiembouvier

Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: Have you considered just letting a homeless man sleep on your couch, instead?

@pittdave13

For the last time I said CAULK, I need black CAULK.
This isn’t funny, what isle is it in

@JJSummertime

Red wine has anti-inflammatory properties so if there is a god, she is a middle aged mom.

@wittwitbarista

*text message*
Cat: Slave, I’m missing a box. I had 2 & now I have 1. I blame the dogs. Find it.
Me: but I’m at work.
Cat: find it.

@KateWhineHall

Pro tip: When quickly pulling into your garage to avoid your neighbor be sure your garage door is all the way up.

@LurkAtHomeMom

Every vote counts! Unless you forget to post your I voted sticker on Facebook, those ballots get thrown into an incinerator.

@EndhooS

“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Show him Edna..
[mum stops slicing carrots]
*starts violently gagging until a baby slides out her mouth*