I believe I can flyyy.
I believe I can touch the skyyy.
I believe I was mistaaaken.
I believe I’m faaalling.
I believe I’m gonna diiiie.
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British meanings of “you look well”
1. You look well
2. You looked particularly bad when we last met and you’ve improved since then
3. You look larger than last time
4. We both know you’re looking unwell but I’m trying to make you feel better about it
5. I can’t remember who…
Teach a man to fish and he will evolve to become so skilled at it that he destroys the ocean and kills every last fish. Nice one education.
Gatsby: *pouring wine* After all, they DO call me the Grape Gatsby
Daisy Buchanan: Wow they really call you the Great Gatsby?
Gatsby: … Yup
sometimes i don’t spot my typos until it’s toilet
Employee: Sir you’ve been in that changing room for half an hour, what are you doing?
Me: *Crying* WAITING FOR IT TO WORK
My husband came home with pizza sauce on his collar and no pizza and now I know what it’s like to be cheated on.
Turns out pizza has everything I’m looking for in a woman
There is so much beef on Twitter it’s impossible to stay vegan
been a while since romaine lettuce has tried to kill us.
Her: “What an ugly baby”
Him: “My baby is NOT ugly!”
Her: “So, who’s baby is this?”
My child: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: “That’s impossible, they’re all running for president right now.”
Manager: Why do you want to work at Comcast?
Applicant: I’ll get you an answer in about a week.
Manager: Brilliant! You’re hired.
Started a hate list & so far I just have myself & the ladle from Jurassic park
ME: [finding hidden compartment] OMG what the heck is this?
WIFE: The washing machine
I haven’t waited this long for a result since I asked my wife to marry me.
me: can i be frank for a sec
boss: sure
frank: thank you
Me: so when will I actually receive the shark
Loan Shark: what
I watched my wife listen to our youngest son describe how another boy was mean to him and saw her explain to him how to deal with it peaceably while plotting in her head a murderous rampage of the boy’s entire family.
sry
I try not to snack at night, but the cheese in my fridge haunts me. What if I die in my sleep and NO ONE EATS IT?
Me: [crying so hard I can’t breathe] why
Waiter: [returning my plate] sorry, I thought you were done
I’m not even opening the door for kids dressed as police for Halloween
sorry i’m still an undecided voter, but it’s hard to pick just one when I love them both so very very much
Logged into Facebook.
‘Happiness is like a butterfly….’
Logged out of Facebook.
[giving grandmother’s eulogy]
But on the plus side, that’s the fastest she ever got down the stairs.
4yo: let me smell your eyelashes!
Me:…ok
4yo:smells like spiders. What if they eat your face?
Me: this is how nightmares are born.
“ANYWAY” — me when I’m about to keep talking about the thing I’ve been talking about for the last ten minutes
If you’re trying to kidnap me, just wave a bag of cookies and throw it in a windowless van. I will happily and hungrily follow.
Prank: if you’re standing at a busy intersection light beside a guy staring at his phone take 2 steps forward & see if he walks into traffic
[Vegan Conference]
Announcer: While we await our key speaker, please talk among yourselves
Vegan: I’m a vegan
Vegan2: I’m also a vegan