My coworker has inspirational quotes up in her cubicle and one of them says “choose your destiny” so I guess she plays Mortal Kombat too.
“I believe I can fry” – R Kelly filling out McDonald’s application
You Might Also Like
Doctor: you need to improve your diet what do you have for breakfast
Me: ok reese’s eggs
When a killer makes you dig your own grave, throw the soil far away so he has trouble backfilling.
friend: hey are you up for a blind date tomorrow night?
friend: does 8 sound good?
me: nah that’s out of my league, better find me a 4
I’m sick of closing out every job interview with “I was young. I needed the money.”
Me, a cop: you’re gonna have to do a lie detector test
Detainee: I mean ok
Me: first question, do you like my outfit be honest
I would only want to be a ghost if I could randomly bite people
The scar above my left eyebrow is from jumping out of a car to escape a Phil Collins song.
If you date a guy long enough he’ll start to sound like your dad when you were in junior high:
“Have fun! Be safe! Call me when you get there! Don’t talk to boys!”
“I have found our arguments quite useful – almost as useful as those I had with my father.” – Spock and the guy I end up marrying.