“I believe I can fry” – R Kelly filling out McDonald’s application
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Hey middle-aged people who suddenly change your first name–screw you. I’m calling you what I’ve been calling you for the last 10 years.
Me: *tries to knock 1st kite out of tree using 2nd kite*
*gets 2nd kite stuck in tree*
Genie: please don’t w-
Me: I wish for a third kite
I love you too, my dear tree. But I fear my wife is beginning to suspect
If Alexa is really “watching” everything I do, then why doesn’t she help a sister out and block her credit card after 10pm?!?!
me: god grant me the serenity
god: no ❤️
me: *coughs up mucus* JESUS
wife: quit blasphlegming
‘All of me, loves all of you’
– John Legend.‘Some of me, loves some of you’
– John Average.
When the the bladder control commercial with the jingle “Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go right now” came on my 5 year old asked “mommy, do these ladies really have to go to the bathroom or do they just think they do” thus becoming the youngest menopause expert in the world.
I feel seen
ㅤ THE CORONAVIRUS
PROS: CONS:
-Alone time – Might die
-Cool facemasks
-Can horde toilet
paper without
seeming weird
-Might die
Is this a make-up removing cloth or 60 grit sandpaper?
Dunkin Donuts gives you zero or fifty nine napkins, there is no in between.
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
*sees group of firemen standing around a campfire*
me: hEY leave that little guy alone
I met my husband on eHarmony, which is Tinder for back when the smartest things our phone could do was make you pay $2 to play an actual song as your ringtone
911: Sir, I understand you think it did it against your will and was aggressive but we can’t arrest an auto flush toilet.
Me: I WASNT READY
I’m not fat. Just retaining cookies.
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
Don’t tell me I can hear the ocean if I put a shell up to my ear. If he has something to say to me SAY IT TO MY FACE U PIECE OF SHIT WATER
Next time you decide to complain about your problems, just remember, some guy out there has Snooki as his mom …
Doctor: You have 6 months to live
Me: omg what can I do?
Doctor: Oh lots of things
Me: Phew
Doctor: but only for 6 months
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
*gazing up at stars*
Her (whispering): is that the Big Dipper?
Me (a barista): actually the technical term for it is Venti Dipper
Holmes: “I say, old bean, is that mud on your boots?” Watson: “No, shit, Sherlock”
[boy spreads his little arms]
Boy: i love you this much daddy!
Neil deGrasse Tyson: on a universal scale, that is an alarmingly small amount
There is not a fine dining experience on earth that compares to bringing home Chinese food and eating it hunched over a living room coffee table with atrocious posture.
Doctor: Are you allergic to anything?
Me: Cats
Doctor: Anything else?
Me: Grease
Doctor: is that everything?
Me: Most musicals to be honest.
me: yay, i’m getting to bed on time!
my brain: let’s obsess over how you’ll protect your children if you’re at the beach during a tsunami
The cool thing about fall is that you completely forget your windows are open when you start losing your shit.
Like, “Hey everyone. Please enjoy the sweet sound of dysfunction radiating from our humble abode.”