@SadPeruna

“I believe I can fry” – R Kelly filling out McDonald’s application

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@OhNoSheTwitnt

My coworker has inspirational quotes up in her cubicle and one of them says “choose your destiny” so I guess she plays Mortal Kombat too.

@CaucasianJames

Doctor: you need to improve your diet what do you have for breakfast

Me: eggs

Doctor:

Me: ok reese’s eggs

@just_evolved

When a killer makes you dig your own grave, throw the soil far away so he has trouble backfilling.

@daemonic3

friend: hey are you up for a blind date tomorrow night?

me: sure

friend: does 8 sound good?

me: nah that’s out of my league, better find me a 4

@PoliticallyILL1

I’m sick of closing out every job interview with “I was young. I needed the money.”

@spaceboyriley

Me, a cop: you’re gonna have to do a lie detector test

Detainee: I mean ok

Me: first question, do you like my outfit be honest

@MomOnFire

The scar above my left eyebrow is from jumping out of a car to escape a Phil Collins song.

@carlyken

If you date a guy long enough he’ll start to sound like your dad when you were in junior high:
“Have fun! Be safe! Call me when you get there! Don’t talk to boys!”

@lydie_glass

“I have found our arguments quite useful – almost as useful as those I had with my father.” – Spock and the guy I end up marrying.