I believe in healthy eating so today I’ll be making a Cadbury egg omelet.
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Sit in Starbucks and scream into your phone, “What we need is fresh screenwriting talent! An unknown! Where on earth can we find it?”
People that tell us what sex gods they are..what do you want us to do with that information?
My niece is pregnant and the fetus already has business cards as a freelance media consultant.
me: i have a thought
twitter: are you sure you want to choose violence?
This year is stressful enough, I refuse to get emails from salad
WIFE: OMG how did grandma’s ashes get knocked off the mantel?
ME: Actually I think it was-
*cat makes throat slice gesture*
-the wind
If you don’t think kids will use any excuse to fight, mine are currently arguing over whose fever is higher
“Let’s run the bell commercial we’ve been playing for the past 17 years and take the month of December off” – The Hershey Kisses Marketing Team
A: OMG what happened?
B: Worst dentist appointment I ever had
A: I mean are you okay?
B: oh sure, it’s not my blood
I like making detailed sketches of animals but when it comes to snakes I draw a line
*sees cute guy approaching*
Me: *whispers to self* Don’t be weird… don’t be weird…
Him: Hey.
Me: *wombat noises*
Me: *clicks on YouTube video to learn how to do something I’ve never done*
YouTube video: In this 30 minute video-
Me: I can take it from here.
Han Solo had a much cooler older brother called Drum
If I reject your call the first two times, ring me again. I’m really just testing your resolve.
*summoning demonic forces to overthrow the zoo employees*
ME: *trying to fit in* I ALSO don’t fly.
PENGUINS: *shuffling about while trying to keep their distance*
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the pen.
what idiot called it tinted windows instead of a drug car tell
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
If I was ever asked to be a cheerleader I’d jump at the chants.
WIFE: Remember to check for firmness
ME: When should kids be allowed to date?
TOMATO: Minimum of 18 years old imo
ME: OK this one is good
There are two types of people who go on vacation together. One wants to be the Indiana Jones of adventures and the other wants to eat themselves into a food coma, and pass out at the pool until sunburned.
If pain is fear leaving the body, what gets the stupid out?
My neighbor threw away a stair lift. Unrelated, I can now go from my couch to the bathroom without walking.
Press A to HEED MY OMINOUS WARNING
Press B to SCOFF AND CONTINUE
Shepherd’s wife: You always seem so happy dear.
Shepherd: I got ewe babe.
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
“Are you ready to rock?”
Scissors: no
[getting a checkup]
DOCTOR: On average, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: *sweating* NO ONE SAID THERE WOULD BE ANY MATH
Wrong Way Do Not Enter seems like a weird name for a street.