I believe in love, but I also believe in sledgehammers so it’s complicated.
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Jack is coming over.
“Jack from work or Jack and the…”
[a beanstalk comes up through the floor and crashes through the ceiling]
Air pods looking like an angry frog
Survival Tip: When flipping off your wife behind her back…
Make sure she’s not standing in front of a mirror.
I don’t know who put chairs in the elevator, but that’s a kind of laziness that I can respect.
Just know that somebody out there is thinking of you, and you should really lock your doors.
The date was going so well until he called me gorgeous and I blew a bubble out of my nose on accident.
The Terminator: I need your clothes
Me: no problem *unbuttons skinny jeans and lays down* pull
The Terminator: ok this isn’t going to work
Me: *holding up a leg* PULL
just found a error in Titanic: they play a song by Celine Dion, but the film is set in 1912 and she actually wasn’t even born until 1968
Me: there there. No need for ugly crying
Him: I’m not crying
saying “i am bad at this”
-defeatist
-will make you sad
-removes the possibility for improvementsaying “a whale would be impressed by my ability”
-encouraging
-always true because whales don’t even have thumbs and also appreciate effort
-makes you think about whales
We need a streaming service that’s only ads. No shows, just commercials. They pay us $15 a month
They say ‘No news is good news,’ but I think it just means I have a lazy paperboy.
HER: let’s be open about how we really feel. I’ll go first I love you.
ME: Ok well… I really, really, don’t want Naruto to end
HER: wtf?
Me: *in the dentist chair*
Dentist: OK so whilst you have several instruments and half my belly in your mouth, I’m going to take the opportunity at this exact moment to ask about your holidays and I do expect a response.
tfw you’re leaving the party but nobody notices
My dog plays tug of war in a ‘keep it, you want it more than me’ fashion.
Seriously, if you go to Central or South America to visit ancient ruins and you don’t dress as Indiana Jones, what’s even the point? Bonus points if you can get the whip through customs.
Fitness Magazine:
Page 10: How to lose weight and keep it off.
Page 11: How to love yourself the way God made you.
Page 12: Dessert recipes.
this town’s getting on my nerves, gonna blow off some steam by doing a dance routine at the abandoned warehouse
“Sir you can’t bring your dog onto the plane”
[labradoodle puts on tiny pilot hat]
“Omg captain I’m so sorry”
When people introduce a statement with “Not gonna lie,” it fills me with confidence in their honor and commitment to veracity.
Wife: Have you seen my razor?
Me: [with only one eyebrow] I have not
Shout out to the spider this morning who built a web across the front door making it look as though I’m terrified of sunlight as soon as I walk out.
Today I learned that wolves are not ticklish. Tomorrow I need to learn how to tie my shoes with one hand.
told my kid to sign my boyfriend’s birthday card
[watching a sex scene with my parents] You guys ever try that?
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
Plays “In Your Eyes” on the kazoo outside your window, dressed like a potato.