I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
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is there nothing we can trust anymore
[restaurant]
waiter: how would you like your steak
me: i don’t know, medium?
medium: *gazes into crystal ball* you will like it a lot
Where do I see myself in 5 years? May 2019. Next question.
Good one computer geniuses, you made everything “user friendly” and “intuitive” and now idiots are on the internet commenting on everything.
i just blocked everyone who’s face i don’t like, so if you’re seeing this…hiii
My haters can’t stand that instead of a sink I just have a drawer full of water
would Iove a queer bar called something normal. Instead it’s like here I am spending another night at the gaping hole
[Starts jogging]
Body: No.
falling in love with me is cool more people should do it
My son calls them “please cars” because any time I speed past a cop he hears me mutter “please don’t pull me over!”
*falls dramatically on therapist’s sofa* the barista touched the mouth hole
kinda feel like the bridge overreacted
People who eat hotdogs from a gas station, you know there’s faster ways to commit suicide?
‘Dances with Wolves’…
But it’s just me, running around my backyard with an uncooked steak, screaming, while the neighborhood dogs bark.
“My clothes don’t fit” should be a valid excuse not to go to work.
Texting 15 year old son after his high school dance:
Me: Hi baby! How was the dinner beforehand? Did you have fun? How was the dance? Did you dance with your date? Did you remember to tell her that her dress was pretty? Was it fun?
15: good
A true Columbus Day sale in a mattress store would mean all the merchandise is infested with smallpox
Editor: What’s the first question every good reporter asks?
Reporter: Why did I major in journalism?
Everyone is freaking out because I brought my own gavel to court, no one knows if I’m allowed to do this, the judge is crying
You guys have made me afraid to pick up my son’s socks
If my mobile provider started charging 3 times as much as their nearest competitor but there was no voicemail, I’d still stay with them.
Dear nurses, you don’t have to announce my weight just write it down. That’s why I have my eyes closed when I’m on the scale.
M: HEY, DID YOU REMEMBER CONDOMS?
H: FFS, use your inside voice
M: *whispers* did you remember condoms?
H: can this wait til after mass?
Kids, make sure you learn how to use a protractor in case one day you’re a teacher & have to show kids how to use a protractor.
I thought she was the one until I saw her make hot chocolate with water.
On more than one occasion I’ve canceled plans because I was too full of calzone.
milk crate challenge: get a WHOLE bunch of crates, absolutely FILL them with my shit, and HELP me move this weekend
Cricket Audience: *goes wild*
Cricket Comedian: Wow tough crowd
I met a young fashion designer earlier, and it wasn’t long before I was in the bedroom ripping her clothes off.
I love counterfeiting stuff
If God really didn’t want Adam to take a bite, he should have made it the broccoli of good and evil.