I believe in you. But I also believe in aliens, big foot, and werewolves so don’t get too excited.
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Sometimes my stomach will make a noise and my brain will be like ok I never signed off on that
I will never forget when my mom tried to use her cancer to get my sisters boyfriend of 7 years to propose by saying “don’t make me go to my oldest daughters wedding bald Steve” and he looked this woman dead in the eyes and responded “they make really good wigs now, Joan” ruthless
My friend asked what I’d say if my husband told me he’d never touch me again? I told her, I’d need it in writing.
You have to hand it to Subway for convincing us it’s acceptable to eat an entire loaf of bread for lunch.
They went back to his place after what could only be described as the perfect first date.
“So, what are you really looking for?” he asked her.
“Honestly,” she laughed. “A guy that can load a dishwasher correctly.”
“Go ahead, open it.” he replied, a grin forming on his face.
You wanna hot body?
You wanna Bugatti?
You wanna Maseratti?
Then this is an intervention you NEED to stop listening to Britney Spears.
*Sees couple arguing in store*
*Discreetly drops a pregnancy test into the cart*
FRIEND: Can I ask for a favor?
ME: *yelling over my shoulder as I bolt away* YOU CAN ALWAYS TRY.
Saw a woman wearing her shirt backwards and I was like OH MY GOD ONE OF MY PEOPLE
whoa, 4 ferrets stacked on top of one another wearing a trenchcoat!
“no, it’s me devin, from high school?”
wow ok you did not age well
There is so much beef on Twitter it’s impossible to stay vegan
I’m giving up for Lent.
[My 8yo looking for something]
OMG WHERE IS IT IT’S GONE FOREVER WHAT DID YOU DO WITH IT I’LL NEVER FIND IT WHERE COULD IT BE MY LIFE IS RUINED WHYYYYYYY—oh, here it is.
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year.
Most of the time.
Once in a while.
Never mind, I’ll buy my own stuff.
Skating rink, hockey rink, curling rink… Who decided “rink” could only mean an ice arena?? “Hey, I’m heading down to the hairdressing rink then swinging by the cheese rink after, see ya”
15: I’m starving! There’s nothing to eat. What are you having for lunch?
Me: grapes
15: Nice! We have grapes?!
Me: *sips wine* nope
Damn boy, is your name Dulcolax because you irritate the shit out of me.
My wife’s driver license should say “Brain Donor” because she gives me a piece of her mind daily.
Dolly Parton is trending. I will just assume she’s won some Olympic medals and is acting like it’s no big deal.
THIS HEADLINE
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
Pro tip:
Singing “Into the great wide open” is never ok during sex
I wonder if Van Halen realized they were writing music just to lift weights to.
I’ve been trying to leave Rome for weeks but all their roads have this weird design flaw.
If I were Noah, I’d be grabbing two of every bottle of alcohol
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don’t want to do.
Does this thing get good gas mileage?
-my husband being kidnapped
Therapist: So what steps can you take to break your people-pleasing habits?
Me: Ask my mother what she wants me to do?
Therapist: No.
Me: Sorry. Are you mad at me?