I believe in you. I also believe in dragons, so don’t get too excited.
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“FINISH HIM,” I scream, as Nana takes the last bite of her gingerbread man.
If you’re going to get a puppy to practice raising kids, you need to get like 50 of them.
If someone specifies that you’re book-smart and not street-smart or street-smart but not book-smart, they’re calling you stupid.
Nobody discretely coughs blood into a handkerchief while wearing a top hat anymore.
if the sun is such a cool and great star then why do all the other stars leave when it shows up
Having someone sing you to sleep is so comforting.
Until you realize you live alone.
Anyone who has ever said “I’m just going to let these dishes soak” has no intention of doing those dishes
Deleted old tweets just in case i date a very famous woman with rabid fans
My kidnappers are trying to leave but I bolted the doors shut lol
nurse: height
me: 6’4”
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
I’m still drunk with power after a Jehovah’s Witness asked, “‘Can I ask you one question?” & I said, “I think you just did,” + kept walking.
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
ME: There’s something fishy going on here.
YOU: It’s just an aquarium.
ME: Exactly.
If i ever experience an earthquake my first thought will probably be it’s godzilla.
coworker: hey circling back on that thing we talked about in december
me: stop living in the past
My daughter wants something “fun and not boring” for dinner tonight and I’m feeling a lot of pressure now
Bros before Ohioes
My wife sent me an image of herself which really enticed me into coming home from work early.
It was a picture of her at the airport.
At first I was decayed, I was putrefied,
Kept thinking I could never live without formaldehyde…
My watch battery is fully charged.
So I got some time
My sister’s boyfriend is visiting from England and we’re going to the driving range. What are the English rules of golf. Do I have to fight him or what.
Without Googling, can you close your laptop, drive to the beach, and throw your phone into the ocean?
4yo: What do you love most in the world?
Me: You & your brother
4yo: Oh
Me: What about you?
4yo: The fire tree in Plants vs. Zombies
Me: Oh
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
Birds are UFOs if you are not a birdwatcher
Me: what I’m saying is I don’t just hungry hippos you. I hungry hungry hippos you.
Priest [whispering to bride]: it’s not too late to do the traditional vows
“Can I borrow your charger?”
Me: Sure. *offers keys to my pristine 1969 Dodge Charger Daytona*
“I meant for my iPhone.”
Me: Oh, hell no.
Whoever had the bright idea of putting book jackets on children’s books clearly never had children of their own.
Therapist: U need some tools to cope with ur anger
Me: Like a sledgehammer?
T: No. More like breathing-
M: Fire? Can u make me breathe fire?