I believe it is important to be an organ donor, which is why I am willing to donate my second chin to anyone missing a chin.
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grocery shopping hungry is way more interesting than full, hungry me is down to eat anything and everything
What’s the opposite of coffee?
Sneezy.
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any references?
ME: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
INTERVIEWER: What?
ME: *leans in really close* That’s a Star Wars reference.
Facilitator: Any questions about the sexual harrassment course before we start?
*raises hand*
Me: Is “harass” one word or two?
F:
Me: Thx
Proud of my teen for keeping a straight face when she told her friend I’m 25. That friend’s gonna have some questions, but that’s what she gets for asking my age.
Too much work, not enough rich vampire boyfriend who cleans my house.
I saw the most beautiful woman at the store today so of course I did the sensible thing and imagined what our whole life would be like if we fell in love and then I never spoke to her.
The next time you hear a celebrity saying, “we’ll get through this together,” send them your electric bill with a thank you note.
Gremlins(1984): a shopkeeper with a creature so powerful it could destroy all human life gives it to a 12yo boy. Many lives are lost.(PG13)
going into to sephora and putting some lipstick on my collar to make my gf jealous
Him: do you have a pen?
Me: yes. (walks away)
Not to brag, but I can unhook a bra using just a bent paper clip, some WD-40, and my reading glasses.
*discretely picks a booger*
*slyly wipes it on her blouse*
Funeral Director: Sir, we can see you and narrating it just makes it worse.
I ripped my duvet and now there are feathers everywhere. This is the adult equivalent of glitter
Roman 1: you won’t believe how many women I’ve slept with
Roman 2: mmm?
Roman 1: don’t be ridiculous, not that many
“Do not touch” must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.
I love that Twitter is so international. I can hit “send” & be misunderstood by people all over the world almost instantly.
asked the wife is she thought me getting that folding phone was a good idea and she said if you wanna fold something try the laundry so the foldy phone ain’t happening apparently
Cop: Open the trunk please
Me: *suddenly defensive*
I have a permit for thatCop: Okay you don’t need a permit but why is it full of Queso?
A Florida police dog is being fired after biting two people; but to be fair, who wouldn’t want to hurt people from Florida?
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
Mom would send me to the store and I would spend the change on candy and told her I lost it, so she started giving me exact change and I started losing a loaf of bread on the way home.
[coworker barging in my office] can I ask you something?
[me clicking off the santa tracker website in april] is it about how to knock jeff?
Apparently it’s “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
Our 8-yr-old son announced that he is moving in with the family down the street because they have a PlayStation.
My wife: “What about us? We’re your family, and we love you.”
Son, enthusiastically: “We can be neighbors.”
How deep is your love?
Please show all work.
[looking disappointed at the playboy mansion]
i was told there’d be bunnies
I joined a poker tournament with a bunch of people who do origami. I’m gonna dominate, cause these guys always fold.
My 4 year old daughter found a set of handcuffs in the bedroom. How the hell she found them I don’t know. She asked me why they were there. I said they were for when Daddy had been naughty he had to wear them. She repeated this to her Grandparents. Absolutely mortified.
What does it mean when you sit next to an elderly woman on the bus and she shakes her head and makes the sign of the cross?