Imagine you’re fine, minding your own business and then someone offers you a 50$ gift card and you end up spending 400$
I believe it is important to be an organ donor, which is why I am willing to donate my second chin to anyone missing a chin.
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I just heated up a delicious chocolate brownie and put some ice cream on top of it & sat on the couch to enjoy it.
Seconds later, Catherine asked Samuel if he’d like a bite on MY brownie.
I faked a smile and gave him a bite.
Soon after, she asked him AGAIN.
I have no wife.
I’m a Twitter guy who is married to a Facebook girl, so I don’t understand how people of differing religions can’t get along.
Not to brag but growing up my boys thought a unanimous decision meant whatever mom wants.
A solid knife fighting strategy is to move clockwise in increasingly larger circles until you reach a safe running distance.
Her: I like long walks on the beach.
Me: Is there WiFi?
Me: The beach.
Me: We should see other people.
My boyfriend just sent me a txt: ‘I think I want to see other people.’ My reply was, ‘You better look out the window.’
Friend: I’m pregnant
Me: You should have just got a dog
The cashier told me to have a good New Year like my purchase of oven cleaner and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
If you got spine, you are correct. The rest of you have been on twitter too long.