I believe it was Aristotle who once said “The fastest way to get you kids to stop screaming is to also start screaming.”
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Really shocked to hear about the dead worm. I didn’t even know it was sick.
This is a sub tweet
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4-year-old: Can I have some water?
Me: Any more water & you could have an accident while sleeping.
4: Ok, then some juice should be fine.
I was really expecting to get murdered by some creepy person from the Internet by now.
nature’s most graceful animal
Chicks like it when you let out a loud “AWOOGA” when you see her naked
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
a thought I have quite often is that there are almost about 50 million kangaroos in Australia and 5 million New Zealand citizens. If the kangaroos were to invade New Zealand each Kiwi would need to fight at least 10 kangaroos.
an alarm clock that repeatedly & loudly makes the sound of a windshield wiper going across a windshield that is not completely wet
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
I don’t hate you, but I hope you meet someone just as nice as you that returns your favors.
Where do surfers learn to surf?
At boarding school.
Everyone has beautiful pics posted. Where are the losers? I’m leaving.
Remove all the poles if you don’t want me stripping, Mr. Bus Driver.
The next time someone asks me my ethnicity I’m just going to say I come from a long line of pirates.
While those 2 guys at the bar were just fantasizing about what they’d do with powerball winnings, I stole their ticket.
The elephant is my spirit animal.
1. we never forget
2. we hate the circus
3. we’re scared of mice
4. we’re Disney characters
5. we’re awkward in rooms
Me: 🙂
Facial recognition: nope, don’t see it
Me: 😐
Facial recognition: noooo?
Me: 🤨
Facial recognition: no
Me: 😒
Facial recognition: mayyybe??? nvm, no
Me: 🥴
Facial recognition: THERE YOU ARE
*stuffing my face with donuts* what does the cop banging on my windshield screaming “give me back my donuts” want from me?
i would never put up a lost dog poster. im not letting the whole neighborhood know i fumbled
Loads 5 frozen pizzas into the freezer.
Meal prep ✔️
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
does anyone know the password to my work computer? or how to do my job?
Sorry I followed your minivan for an hour. I got caught up in the movie your kids were watching and wanted to see how it ends.
[getting a checkup]
DOCTOR: On average, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: *sweating* NO ONE SAID THERE WOULD BE ANY MATH
I’ll apologize for last night right after you tell me which parts you still remember.
What idiot called her a Hot Indian Girl and not a Bomb Bae
It’s okay, bra. I’m ready to snap any minute now too