I believe it was Gandhi who said “never create passwords for apps when you’re shitfaced”
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Tell me and I forget, teach me and I remember… involve me and we got a problem
Never eat anything Mario cooks for you. Dude runs around in sewer pipes all day and never washes his hands
Helen Hunt but only when Helen hungry.
Wife: do not eat a bunch of deviled eggs. We got a 3 hour car ride home.
Me: eh it’ll be fine by then they don’t really bother me.
My guts 2 hrs into said car ride: you’re not gonna believe this…
Whats this kids eat free bullshit. When was the last time you saw a 4 year old pick up the lunch tab??They always eat free
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
When you’re craving a Krabby Patty so bad!!! But the Krusty Krab is closed….and also fictional.
My wife asked me to get the house ready as her friend is sleeping here tonight so as an optimist our bed now has 3 pillows.
Basically.
I see in your bio you’re divorced and play the bagpipes. I’m going to venture a guess as to why you’re divorced
Ironically I’m watching an exercise infomercial because I’m too lazy to get the remote.
Always be yourself. Unless you can be Batman.. Then be Batman.
Worst feeling in the world is when you are loyal to all your 6 girlfriends but your favorite one is cheating on you!!
Son: Dad, I’m so excited. I got a B in spelling!
Dad: That’s a D, moron.
My knight in shining armor comes in liquid form.
You: Where’s Carl?
Me: That fool done gone and lost his mind
You: Thats too bad. What’s for dinner?
Me: Funny you should ask
Just once, I would love to look my kid in the eyes when he gives me a picture he spent a long time coloring, and have the nerve to say, “could you make me another one…that’s not what I wanted,” just so he can get a sense of what it feels like to make him dinner every night.
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me: kinda feels like Mickey Mouse hasn’t done anything in a while
Obama:
Me: like we all know who he is, but
Obama: but he’s not relevant enough to be The Face Of Disney™
Me: relevance, that’s the word I was looking for
EVERY MOVIE TRAILER NOW:
We hear a single piano key play.
A shot of a basketball court at dusk.
Sally Field [V.O.] “Your grandfather was…complicated. There’s a lot you don’t know, can’t understand.”
A children’s choir starts singing “In the Air Tonight” by Phil Collins.
I taught my 7yo chess and she’s created a lengthy backstory about how this once-peaceful community came to odds and a lengthy battle ensued. I am now of the mind that all chess should have a plot.
You ever watch a scary movie and then go to bed but need to watch cartoons first as a palate cleanser?
When my wife says “Guess what today is.”
Meditation is fun when you want to do nothing for an hour but still feel a sense of accomplishment.
Sometimes I look at my children and think “What did I do to deserve this?”
And other times I think “What did I do to deserve this?”
If you’ve ever wondered if your drunk Uncle would make a good President you aren’t wondering anymore.
I’m not technically a lawyer but I do have 3 court cases next week.
*laughing* I bought a baby gate (to keep the dog from eating the cat’s food) but forgot to tell my son. A box was delivered with the words “BABY GATE” on it. I was running errands so he saw the box. I got a call from my horrified son asking “OMG NO Why do you need a BABY gate?”
It’s no coincidence that Monday and Murder both start with M.
Toured a marmalade factory today. That was jarring
4-year-old: I put my Barbie in the tanning bed.
Me: You don’t have a Barbie tanning bed.
4:
Me: *sprints to the toaster*