I believe it was the great and ancient philosophers who once foretold a most wise and accurate existential statement that transcends all time and space: I fuck around, therefore I find out.
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You can’t spell dyslexia without sexy.
Being almost 50 is great bc when coworkers ask you about social media you can wave them off like you don’t understand what any of that is. You can try this about spreadsheets too but they’ll get mad and tell your bigger boss.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
Its 4 am and my foot fell asleep are we doing this one body part at a time now
Me: I’ve lost my kitten
Cop: How would you best describe him?
Me: He looks like a miniature cat
Apparently the g-spot is located in a $1700 pair of Christian Louboutins.
I am not a pro at mind games, so I will be direct and ask, “are you or are you not going to offer me snacks?”
Sadly, the days of people using proper English are went.
“What’s the going rate for a neighborhood kid?” is not the way to ask if anyone in the area is offering landscaping services. I know that now.
Lifehack: Turn any noun into an insult by simply putting ‘You absolute’ before it.
Examples:
You absolute drum
You absolute fridge
You absolute shed
You absolute goose
You absolute bollard
70% of the Earth’s surface is oceans. The rest is split between car dealerships and a Costco parking lots.
[blind date]
HER: i love classic rock
ME: (trying to impress) i’ve been to Stonehenge
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks. The Thin Mints are mine, bro.
How do I even know this guy is my “boss”. I’ve just been taking his word for it
If you’ve ever referred to yourself as a “diva” there is a 100% chance at least one person you know has fantasized about murdering you.
Man, the way these journalists are complaining it’s like they only went to Sochi to use doorknobs and go poop.
My husband when I ask him a question while he’s standing next to me: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
Also my husband:
Me: *clears throat*
Husband from different story of the house behind two closed doors: Are you coughing?? Do you have the Rona???
Twitter is an invention created by aliens so we don’t notice the period of time missing when they take us for experimentation.
“But my doctor said popcorn was healthy,” I say while pouring on a stick of butter.
FOR SALE: one Ferris wheel. Fair condition.
Got kicked out of the army for calling my bulletproof jacket a hardigan.
I don’t like to brag about my cat-like reflexes.
That said, could someone please call for help?
I got startled and am stuck in a tree.
The number of supermarket loyalty cards I have suggests I am anything but.
We were so high at the movies that I tried find my seatbelt and my friend helped me look for it.
My kid woke up sick and told me he was gonna eat a bunch of junk food since ‘obviously vitamins don’t work’ and I think we should consider his position
LMFAOOOO
Me: *calls wife* hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places
Wife: um yeah, is this why you’re calling me?
Me: haha no… i’m stuck in the chimney
I bet i could still be a stuntman
[Breaks a hip getting off the couch]
Okay maybe not
sure nickleback is great but have you guys ever heard of quarterback? they’re like 5 times better