I believe meat is murder, vegetables are burglary, bread is mail fraud and dairy is impersonating a police officer.

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Why does it take 3 minutes to burn meat and 4 days to thaw it?


Imagining the Matrix pill scene if Neo bent down and ate the red pill directly out of Morpheus’ hand like a petting zoo goat and Morpheus completely froze weirded out


Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.


I really don’t have much respect for those that take drugs and alcohol.

Like Customs, for example.


I don’t usually cry from onions, but this one’s story is so inspirational.


Yes, I DO think “did you bring my pizza?” is an acceptable answer when you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks on the door.


Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.


Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”


Twitter is like the tenth time you’ve opened the fridge and there still isn’t anything good in it.