@TheTweetOfGod

I believe meat is murder, vegetables are burglary, bread is mail fraud and dairy is impersonating a police officer.

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@lmegordon

Why does it take 3 minutes to burn meat and 4 days to thaw it?

@AlexBlechman

Imagining the Matrix pill scene if Neo bent down and ate the red pill directly out of Morpheus’ hand like a petting zoo goat and Morpheus completely froze weirded out

@EZ_G

Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.

@DosieDoe

I really don’t have much respect for those that take drugs and alcohol.

Like Customs, for example.

@kelkulus

I don’t usually cry from onions, but this one’s story is so inspirational.

@carlawh

Yes, I DO think “did you bring my pizza?” is an acceptable answer when you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks on the door.

@

Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.

@Dakota_Conduct

Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”

@thematrixiscool

Twitter is like the tenth time you’ve opened the fridge and there still isn’t anything good in it.