I believe meat is murder, vegetables are burglary, bread is mail fraud and dairy is impersonating a police officer.
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Does my family really expect me to express my love for them on Valentine’s Day when we’ve been trapped together for months??
Jeff is here!
“Jeff from work or Jeff the guy who announces his arrival anytime he enters a room”
Jeff is here!
German dominatrices: If you’re happy and you know it, clamp your Hans.
Wife: Can you put the gps on mute, turn off the air conditioner and the music
Also my wife: why are you grumpy on this long drive
I have the dance moves of a dog with mittens on its paws.
If I’m on a date and can’t think of anything to say I just make it look like I’m busy trying to figure out what a smell on my fingers is
i do believe that bears are dangerous and anyone who thinks they can get close to one is very stupid. but i also think i am different and the bear would sense my loving spirit
lmao at snakes that think they are “hiding” in a patch of grass. i see u, sweetie. i am only pretending 2 be surprised
Dress sloppy at work and people will think you don’t know what you’re doing. Dress too nice and people will think you know what you’re doing. So you see my dilemma.
I’m delighted we’ll soon see a dog again in the White House, but look forward to the day when there will finally be a cat in there. Who’ll then want to be outside the White House, and twenty minutes later, back inside the White House again.
that kind of tired where you wanna tell people who sneeze repeatedly to quit celebrating their allergies so loud
“Are you good and hard for me yet?”
– me boiling eggs
If you’re happy and you know it….it’s the wine.
[inside fighter jet]
I hate this cd
“change it”
how?
“press eject”
ok
[nothing funny or unexpected happens because they are trained pilots]
Stop the Internet. I want to get off.
My least popular conspiracy theory is that orchestra conductors don’t actually do anything. Some guy just shows up and says “okay I’mma direct you” and the musicians play the same but treat it like a Make-a-Wish thing and are like, “That’s great, bud, you’re directing so good!”
We covered ‘stop, drop, and roll’ often enough in school that I thought I would’ve caught fire at least once by now.
I mean I married my wife for her looks, but not the dirty ones she’s been giving me lately.
{Jeopardy}
Question: What animal can jump higher than a schoolbus?
Me (lips right on mic): Schoolbuses can’t jump, Alex.
If you’re having second thoughts, you’re 2 ahead of most people.
3yo: Do you want to play princesses with me?
Me: Of course!
3yo: Ok, I’ll be Ariel. Who do you want to be?
Me: Sleeping Beauty.
3yo: How come you always pick her?
Me:
3yo:
Me: *already asleep on the couch*
Seriously, if you hacked Trump’s account and wanted to make him look bad, WHAT THE HELL WOULD YOU EVEN TWEET.
I hope the mysterious food thief at the office enjoys the dog food marinara and Jello with my toenail clippings I made for him/her.
Discuss
TOUCH NOT MY PONDERING CRYSTAL
[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex
Also, those little Swiss Army knives are great when you need a tiny pair of scissors to open your Gummi Bears like some kind of crack head.
[The Rapture]
Me: *trapped on the ceiling like a balloon*
If you beat a man with a mustache in a fist fight, you get to keep his mustache.
My mum is visiting this weekend and she has taken the absolute best photo of the cats.