I believe there are people on this planet who were born to get in everyone’s way at the grocery store.
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Mike Tyson’s apartment building
learn just enough tap dancing just to tap dance out of the room when you win an argument
If I was on death row I’d request my own heart as my last meal. But they wouldn’t be able to extract it til they killed me: Catch 22. I walk
I’m returning this head of lettuce. It tastes awful.
“Sir, that’s a loofah.”
Oh. I’m returning this loofah. Someone took a bite out of it.
[at bank]
Samuel L Jackson turning in swear jar: I need a bank check to buy Rhode Island
Sorry girl, you know you were dating a bad boy *heads out to fight boss without saving or buying potions*
10yo just came to me, so excited to share about a “new artist” he discovered who sounds “just like Alexander Hamilton.”
Anyways it was Eminem.
There’s no low-key way to explain how you’re donating a third lung to the local medical school
*comes home drunk
*sleeps on floor
Movie Law:
All computer hackers have to say “We’re in” when they get into “the system”
CW: What’d you have for breakfast?
Me: A bowl of Oreos.
CW: Lol you mean Cherrios?
Me: No.
Them: Ok we need to create good plastic packaging for cakes and cookies
Satan: MAKE IT REALLY LOUD
What do we want?
Decisiveness!
When do we want it?
Ummm…
my fav brides on Say Yes To The Dress are the ones who come in wanting a specific dress but don’t call ahead to see if it’s in stock and are like sooo shocked it’s not there. Baby!!! it’s your wedding dress!!! I’ve called bakeries to make sure they have a cinnamon roll in stock
[date]
Me: *ok don’t let her know I’m a bull*
Her: “so what are some red flags for you?”
Me: *sweating* “haha red flags? Where?”
Me: Could we please have a cushion of time between Halloween and when the Christmas music starts playing?
All of retail: No.
“You have a Master’s degree”, I whisper to myself as I struggle to find the end of a roll of tape.
Doctor: Im sorry but your condition has become quite acute…
Me: I think your pretty acute yourself *winks*
Doctor: …
Me: *dies*
The secret to having all of your dreams come true is to keep changing your dreams to something that’s just about to happen anyway.
MAGICIAN: Think of a number, any number.
ME: *thinks for a bit* …k
MAGICIAN: That is a letter.
ME: omg ur right
The new employee manual at work mislabeled “casual Friday” as “cannibal Friday” & sadly we lost poor Dorothy before anyone could stop Fred.
Hot waitresses give me anxiety. I don’t need some babe rolling up on me while I’m jamming food in my face.
Snowed in overnight at an old Shining-esque ski resort avoiding all mirrors, twins, mazes and Jack lookalikes.
Greese be like we go together like shamalamghwejghsdiuoeqwhgiwjrsdkhjkgwidjskbgfiuegkajsfkj
You know what I’m hoping is in my Easter basket this year?
A nap.
(Just kidding. Moms don’t get baskets.)
(Or naps.)
Me: I have an imaginary gf.
Therapist: U can do better than that.
M: I know, it’s just–
T: I was talking to her.
[gets down on 1 knee]
Babe will you–
“Yeah… Here it is”
[she lends me her phone charger]
Thanks
“I’m gonna make a cool new social media site for college kids, but only for a few years. Then it’ll be a mom scrapbook” ~ Mark Zuckerberg
wife: can you stop messing around
lawyer: im not
wife: just read my husband’s will please
lawyer: that’s what it says.. “oOoOoh im a ghost”
I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.