I believe there’s at least 1 killer tweet in each of us. I must have had 2 and they killed each other.
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For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me
I turned to her and said “We’re all just seeking validation, aren’t we?” She just ignored me, stamped my parking ticket, and handed it back.
When I pack too much for a short trip.
My first grader wants to go to a haunted house. Not a pretend one, a real one. “I want to fight a ghost,” were his exact words.
[Elon Musk sees a homeless guy]
“Oh no, this is terrible. I simply must use my vast wealth to address this problem”
[2 weeks later]
“I have invented sunglasses that make homeless people invisible so that rich people don’t have to see them”
Don’t tell me to “relax” and then get mad when I pee my pants.
I let people know that I’m no weirdo. I say “I’m no weirdo!” From that point forward, it’s just a matter of keeping my mouth off their pets.
I like Tweets that are so good that when I send them to FB my old friends won’t talk to me on the phone for a week.
Eating the sticker on an apple counts as 35% of your daily fiber intake.
zookeeper: have you folks seen the lions yet?
me: no, not yet!
zookeeper : ok *starts sweating* well stay calm and let someone know if you do
Did you know cats are called cats because they’re roughly half the size of cattle?
y’all I’m about to get violent cuz wtf
‘We both know you need to pee:’
~the monster under my bed
Grading system for students in India:
A – Average
B – Below average
C – Can’t have dinner
D – Don’t come home
F – Find a new family
Welcome
All out of clean spoons so I guess I’ll just eat this fat free yogurt with my gun.
ME: I’ll have the chicken dinner.
WAITER: Yes, sir. *throws corn on the floor* Here, chick chick chick.
ME: *pecks at the ground* Excellent.
OH GOOD!
My child is tall enough to reach light switches.
My sister got my 5 year old some glitter slime- that’s right, it’s got glitter AND it’s slime.
She has kids of her own, so it must be that I wronged her in some life-changing and tragic way.
So I’ll be over here trying to figure out what I did to her.
I try to kill that fly in the house five or six times and then just open the storm door and let him fly away. It was never personal.
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
When I get new followers I lean in close and whisper to their avi:
“You’ve chosen wisely, Grasshopper.”
I love putting on warm underwear fresh out of the dryer. I also love to look around the laundromat and guess who they belong to.
There should be a tv game show where couples have to scroll through every streaming service looking for something they both want to watch and if time runs out, they get divorced.
“If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, if I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave” – Me getting pulled over
How does a farmer find new cows to buy?
He looks through the cattlelog.
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
Nurse: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: No
Nurse: Do you do drugs?
Me: *sigh* No
Nurse: Do you have a life?
Me: *just starts crying* No, I work in HR.
Me: can I have some more hair?
The universe: sure — assume eyebrows and ears are okay?