I believe there’s at least 1 killer tweet in each of us. I must have had 2 and they killed each other.

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Mom: if all your friends jumped off a bridge would you jump too
Me: no
Mom: how about 1 friend
Me: what
Mom: ok no friends & a ride there


I swear I won’t be undressing you with my eyes again. That REALLY hurt!


{Commercial for Floors}

Is this you?

{footage of man falling endlessly to oblivion}


wife: That guy is texting and driving! That is so dangerous!
me [holding a donut in each hand and steering with my knee]: So dangerous


Young man cashier: Ma’am, if you don’t mind me saying, you have really beautiful eyes.

What I heard: Ma’am


I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids do you want?


7: Today in school we had to write 4 sentences about what we ate for breakfast his morning.
Me: I forgot to give you breakfast, didn’t I.


[at urinal in restaurant bathroom]

Him: …
Me: …
Him: Do you come here often?
Me: No
Him: …
Me: I go into the stall for that


On bad days I like to take a pregnancy test to remind myself that things could be much worse.


You guys, I seriously never ask for prayers but this is an emergency. There is a rumor that Red Lobster might be closing. Pray. Pray hard.