I believe this to be the best photograph of a dog ever taken in human history.
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My husband just walked in on me getting a pretty intimate backrub from this one wall corner in the kitchen and suggested we get a room.
When they announce
“all youths stay behind after church. Your Help is needed around the church premises”
My roommate went on a bumble date and was nervous so decided to pound shots in her car once she got to the place they were meeting and the guy was parked next to her and watched her chug vodka for 5 minutes.
Dating is rough.
Me: but the therapist told me I should face my fears
Wife: *seething* not your fear of dropping a baby you idiot
Me: calm down it wasn’t even our baby
Passing a gallstone?
Monica Seles tennis match?
Possible scenarios from sounds emitted from chic on elliptical next to me
Him: we’re being attacked by a UFO
Me: are they human?
Him: no they’re-
Me [clenches fist]: then they are dancer
*army rises out of ball pit*
dark lord: whose bright idea was it to put the portal here?
[they point to bob]
dark lord: you the man, bob
I have a horrible memory, unless we’re discussing something you did wrong.
A guy saw me giving my dog water and said that he hopes I have a husband with how caring I am to my dog and I had to explain to him that men should be able to drink water on their own
From the speed at which it’s spread I’m wondering if wordle is a symptom of omicron.
Dinosaurs, consider yourselves avenged
*holding a rattlesnake in each hand*
These are the angriest maracas I’ve ever played
*rolls up sleeves*
*gets high on sleeves*
My 10yo just RickRolled me so I’m busy choreographing a first day of middle school flash mob to teach this twerp a lesson.
A walk of shame is always sad. Don’t make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.
How to cure a headache
1. Drink a glass of water.
2. Take 10 deep breathes.
3. Give headache your credit card & tell her to go to the mall.
Hi everyone, welcome to Motorboat Club. Let’s get started on some sailing basics.
*Man in back row throws brochure on ground and storms out*
sometimes I go to the gym spend the whole time stretching then leave…this is cat day
Babies who need to wear glasses creep me out. it’s like they are trying to act smarter than me or something, I don’t like it
I’m sick of men’s 3-in-1 body wash shampoo and conditioner. Throw toothpaste in there.
ACQUAINTANCE: So funny seeing you in the grocery store
ME: Yeah ha ha *opens door in freezer section* well this is me lol see ya
Being brave is overrated.
Just run away, screaming, like a normal human being.
According to the 2nd law of thermodynamics, when parents relax, children must increase the amount of disorder in the universe to compensate.
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep! we landed a robot on mars!
scientists today: for the last time, the earth is *round*
ME: You go thru space & time, just traveling alone?
DOCTOR WHO: Usually w/a companion
ME: Folks from space-time?
DW: God no 21st century UK
Babies love to shake things, but hate to be shaken. It’s like, pick a side, babies.
Almost got asked for ID this morning!
Ok, most of my face was covered by a mask but I’m still having it!
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
A face mask and rubber gloves is all you need to wear when you go to mall they said.
I felt a fool.
Everyone else was wearing clothes.
I’m not saying one of my kids is “more difficult” than the others, but so far my oldest wants a remote control car for Christmas, the youngest wants a stuffed unicorn, and the middle one has requested a dinosaur egg so he can raise and train his own velociraptor from birth.