I believe this to be the best photograph of a dog ever taken in human history.
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I don’t need the audio tour at the museum, I have my teen to provide critical commentary the entire time.
I had 13 items in the 12 items or less line, so I just put a banana in my pocket.
Quick question guys. Why is my therapist putting on boxing gloves?
My wife: Don’t kiss me, your stubble hurts my face.
Also my wife: [has three facial exfoliants that contain sand, walnut shells and bamboo]
Please. My avocado. It is so sad.
I bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
I hate when girls say “You probably say that to 100 girls.” Don’t you use the same résumé when applying for jobs?
I’m never more in denial than when I pack running clothes for a weekend trip to the beach.
Did a little math tonight. Need to do 3,527 hours of cardio to get down to my ideal weight by summer, and not consume any calories.
for my next trick i will fall asleep 15 minutes into the movie i begged us to watch
My wife’s leaving me for refusing to stop referring to our children as my Capri Son and Capri Daughter.
[wife looking at pictures of my dead body with police]
“why isn’t he wearing a shirt”
we believe he removed it when he challenged the coyote
When you run the vacuum cleaner 9 or 10 times over something that won’t suck up so you pick it up to inspect it and it’s the cat.
I get it, artificial Christmas tree. I also can’t fit in my pre-Christmas box.
yes, i’m outside playing, mom!!
If it turns out there is a Heaven and Hell, I’m still screwed. I owe people in both places a lot of money.
Incase you didn’t hear the look I just gave you,
Shut up.
You can tell a lot about people, you just don’t need to.
My dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday. He buried someone in the wrong plot. It was a grave mistake.
My brain forces me to relive traumatic moments over and over and over and over, but it won’t tell me where I left my laptop charger.
My son asked if a punch bowl is where you keep the names of people you want to punch.
I usually keep them in my head, but storing them in decorative crystal seems really classy.
“Hear me out. I know the cookies are a solid fundraiser, but picture this… mobile margarita truck!”
– and that was the last time I was on the planning committee for the local Girl Scouts.
My third bottle of wine was able to “breathe” for a few hours when I opened it at 3am and passed out on the floor.
Me: New outfit?
Wife: This old thing? I’ve had it for…
Me: The bank sent me an alert on my phone.
Wife: …minutes.
“Well this is silly”
– me describing a window sill
List of food it’s okay to eat with your hands:
– corn on the cob
– chicken wings
– ribs
– hamburgers
– spaghetti at your in-laws
People be like “do what makes you happy” and then complain when I’m drunk again
Reality show idea: “So You Think You Can Touch Mike Tyson’s Nose.” Hidden camera. Tyson isn’t in on it.
Many people don’t know the ceiling fan was invented when a plane crashed into a home and they just left it.