I believe this with my whole heart 💀🪦
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What do you call emergency rooms for non medical emergencies?
Bars, they’re called bars
Your baby might be adorable, but so is my cat and she cleans her own butt.
I said something about my Twitter friends to my husband yesterday and he asked me where they live (I don’t know), what they do for a living (I don’t know), if I know their last names (I do not), can I see a picture (sure!), those are cartoons, what do they really look like? (uhh)
Sexy singles are waiting to talk to u. They don’t sleep. They wait. Forever waiting. Will u free them from this sexy prison? Call now
I asked my 4 yr old if he was excited to be in his Uncle’s wedding To which he responded “yeah and I can’t wait to be the ring bear I have been practicing” and then proceeded to get on all fours and growl loudly at me. No plans to correct his understanding of his role
WELCOME TO GYM.
[5gp] WOOD MUSCLE //
[10gp] LEATHER MUSCLE //
[50gp] IRON MUSCLE //
[100gp] WISTFUL MUSCLE //
[999gp] DESOLATION MUSCLE
me: if i follow them, will i see their tweets?
Twitter: absolu-
Twitter algorithm: no.
I JUST CANT LOOK ITS KILLING ME
FRIEND: It’s called cauliflower. It’s not ghost broccoli.
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] Listen kid, I know what I saw.
Million dollar idea: A nightclub for middle aged people with lots of chairs.
as is their right
What is so attractive about milk and honey that you would wanna wash your hands with it?
MAGICIAN: Think of a number, any number.
ME: *thinks for a bit* …k
MAGICIAN: That is a letter.
ME: omg ur right
The bleeding walls and voice saying “Get out” I can live with but the inadequate natural light in the breakfast nook is intolerable.
[Enters baby room late at night]
*flicks switch*
[baby’s got a raccoon in a headlock]
“What the-”
DAD CLOSE THE DOOR THIS PUNK OWES ME MONEY
As a kid, I had to be careful not to curse around adults. Now as an adult, I have to be careful not to curse around kids.
Friend: “This is the year I’m going to marry my best friend.”
Me: “This is the year I’m going to train my dog to come when I call him.”
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
Me: just running to the store, who cares what I’m wearing
Also me: runs into everybody I know
CDC: To prevent coronavirus stay home, avoid physical contact and don’t go into large crowds.
Introverts: I’ve been preparing for this moment my entire life.
If you knock down a policeman, they’ll get backup.
“Platitude” is short for “platypus attitude”.
8: When’s dad’s birthday?
Me: June 28
8: 2000 what?
Me: You mean 19…1984
8: 19? WOW
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because for a few miles they believed you were the real bus driver.
If the salesman doesn’t come with me on the test drive, I just take the car home and wait for them to come get it. I have so many cars now.
I was raised Catholic. I know all the rules. And I broke most of them. 😈
Went jogging and on the way back had to call an Uber. Faked an ankle injury and prayed it wasn’t the same driver as the last time.
Jesus: *picks up bread* this is my body
Jesus: *picks up wine* this is my blood
Jesus: *picks up eggplant* i think we allll know what this is lol yea
My psychiatrist and I had a major breakthrough.
Now he can hear the voices too.
My daughter’s birthday wishlist this year can only be deciphered by a much, much richer man.