I believe this with my whole heart 💀🪦
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If I don’t duck my head when I drive into the parking garage what’s gonna keep my car from hitting the ceiling?
*overeats sugar*
*gets diabetes*
*gets limbs amputated*
*can finally smile authentically in pics now that not worried what to do with hands*
When you’re anti-social, knowing you’re not alone is both comforting and disconcerting.
All of my passwords are the names of various “Friends” characters. Except for Ross. I’ve never used Ross. Not after what he did to Rachel.
We’ve known each other for a while now and we both feel a deep connection. I think we’re ready to take this to the next level. Tonight I’m going to explain the metric system to you.
I can’t wait to find out who’s playing Donald Trump in the next season of American Horror Story
When I call back Domino’s a second time to let them know it’s been over an hour and my pizza still hasn’t been delivered.
I’m sorry that you guys asked for this but the answer is yes, you would.
Doctor: I have good news!
Me: oh thank God
Doctor: Do you want to die?
Me: No!
Doctor: Right I thought you were gonna say yes ok I have bad news 🙁
thank god the sign was there
guy about to invent alarm clocks: i wish waking up early was worse
*goes into kitchen
*makes toast
*pours coffee
*sits at table
*opens Sunday paper“WHO ARE YOU & WHY ARE YOU IN MY KITCHEN?”
*sighs
*leaves
Read my skeleton’s diary today. Anyone know what “loathsome flesh blanket” means?
It’s very 2024 because I was just so impressed with how thick that store’s checkout bags are. I was like, “Such nice bags. Oh wow. So sturdy! Usually plastic bags are like tissue paper thin. These, now THESE bags are some serious bags. They can HOLD stuff. These are for me? Wow”
USPS: does this package contain any perishables
me, in a cake, in the box: I’LL BE FINE
So aliens build high-tech spacecraft & travel thousands of light years just to give random people colonoscopies?
Ignorance is bliss, and rampant.
6: Dad what’s a Kardashian?
Me: Nobody really knows…
6: Sounds really stupid
Me: I love you
I’m going to write a book about all the things I should have done with my life.
l’ll call it my oughtabiography
Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle online with a 14 year old boy.
– You got so drunk last night, you were dancing on the table in your underwear!!
– Me? In my underwear? You must have left early.
Hot tip: Apparently it’s frowned upon to make the sound effect tssst when being blessed by a priest
ME: hey did u get my letter?
HER: No
ME: weird, my carrier penguin should’ve made it by now
HER: You mean carrier pigeon?
ME: lol what
There’s a bag of Hersey’s chocolate in the kitchen.
I’ve been smothering myself with kisses.
[sitting in dentist’s chair]
Dentist: get out of my living room
My 4-year-old, while sharing a space with other people, has been exclaiming with a sigh that he’s ALL ALONE, and I keep thinking, “Damn, kids these days are getting to work early on their existential crises.”
I asked my 5yo to play a game where we see who can be quiet the longest. After a couple of seconds he whispered “this is boring” and I guess the game is over.
‘I know a black person’
– White people
My 3yo and 4yo are screaming at each other about privacy. Isn’t it ironic?
I’m a professional air guitar tech.
The pay is crap but I enjoy the lifestyle that goes with it