I believe you cannot save people, you can only just love them. Which is probably why my job as a lifeguard didn’t last long.
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*googles how the hell I ended up here*
hello secretary? i need you to go to that website where you can combine pokemon and combine mew and squirtle, print it out and bring it here
Half a league, half a league, half a league onward…
Justice League, confused: So like, which half?
Aquaman: *stares into the valley of death*
Y’know what? I’ll sit this one out.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something constructive like IS THAT WHAT YOU’RE WEARING?
The bear sleeping bag is completely awesome.
deleting dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (he and his donkey rescue me from a tower guarded by a dragon)
Find someone who looks at you,
I think that’s a pretty good start.
🥶🥶🐶🐶
Email from the PTA tells me if I don’t join, I “will not be allowed inside the school to assist with the children’s class parties” & it’s like whoa whoa whoa threaten me harder.
Why does Jehovah need so many witnesses?
Sounds like a pretty shady dude to me.
The term is sous chef not Sioux chef. It’s a role in the kitchen not the leader of a proud indigenous tribe.
All my mom’s plants die from being overwatered and that’s all you need to know about my childhood and why I’m like this.
Sorry I lied when I said “I can’t complain.”
35% of all hospital deaths are caused by the attending physician failing to yell “Don’t you die on me!” at the right moment.
6yr old: “We’ll see” means there’s a chance, right mom?
Me: Sure, let’s go with that.
[1st night of a boyfriend sleeping over]
Me: I sleep with a sound machine, that ok?
Him: ya that’s fine!
*I reach over & hit a button. The part in Hey Ya where he repeats “alright alright alright alright” starts to play on a loop*
Me *snuggles covers up to chin*: night babe
[tries to take a selfie]
Phone: NOT ENOUGH SPACE.
[deletes a bunch of photos]
Phone: still tho… don’t.
Fact: you spend an average of 1.3 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the damn paprika
if you’re hiding from a deranged killer and forget to put your phone on silent, at least make the ringtone the benny hill theme.
“Who’s your favorite vampire?”
“The one on Sesame Street.”
“He doesn’t count.”
“I can assure you that he does.”
New notice I stuck up in town this morning. Are you this person?
Accidentally bring the wrong kid home on Halloween once and now I have to listen to the same stupid story EVERY year.
“Microdosing is for the weak” I whisper as I backflip onto a centaur and skip off over the rainbow
Where do bad rainbows go?
To prism. It’s a light sentence, but it gives them time to reflect.
11:14
How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.
My buddies and I used to play bank account chicken where you wire them the full contents of your account and say “bet you won’t send it back” but our wives made us stop
turns out im not nearly mature enough to hang out with someone named titi
I don’t o u anything!
– Americans complaining about British/Canadian word spellings
If you’re wondering what all these scratches on my chest are from, it’s because my cat hates to get in the hot tub with me.
Jaws (1975): people started hating a shark for doing normal shark things