I bet Adam and Eve loved being the first people cuz they didn’t have to worry about ghosts

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I thought we had something. You met my family, made me dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”


I’m sick of women always saying guys only have one thing on their minds. What a load of tits!


Being a bigger account doesn’t make you a better person. We’re all terrible people. We’re on twitter. I threw a baby at a fox this morning.


All the people upset over same sex marriage didn’t seem to mind when Paula Abdul was openly dating a cartoon cat in the late 80s.


At this point the only thing Lady Gaga could do that would shock me is to come out on stage wearing a sensible pantsuit from Talbots.


Taped a note to the beehive warning the Queen to recall her bees or face a flamethrower. Bitch called and told me to suck her bee clit. 🙁


2 pacs of eminems for 50 cents? Man that’s Ludacris


Sure I have my doubts, but Bigfoot doesn’t have any pictures of me either.


I saw an Indian asleep on the train, noticed the little red dot on his forehead, and thought, “Is he on standby?”


Facebook: losing friends.
Twitter: gaining friends
Instagram: gaining weight