I bet Adam and Eve loved being the first people cuz they didn’t have to worry about ghosts
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🤣😂🤣
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
Blue smoke – Boy
Pink smoke – Girl
White smoke – Pope
[leaning over and kissing my spouse’s forehead]
“Rest in peace.”
My spouse opens their eyes: I really don’t like it when you kiss me goodnight that way.
“I want to emphasize this paragraph in my email, but putting it in italics doesn’t seem like enough so I’ll also underline it and put it in boldface, a different font and a different color.” -psychopaths
why dont they ever have plagues of endangered animals, like a plague of panda bears. oh no our entire bamboo crop is gone haha
Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved
What in all holy hell is going on with this box of toilet paper I just got from Amazon
Stop writing so much funny shit, people. I’ve been dishing out stars today like a first grade teacher on meth.
[ER]
ME: [scared] well?
DOCTOR: ur ok
M: so it was just a dream
D: o no ur body is filled with lizards but ur system is accepting them
“What? Where?” -owl on some next level shit
My attempt to impress her with the tale of how I’d managed to fend off a hangry bear on a camping trip was ruined when AC decided I’d fired a warning ‘shit’, instead.
Now she thinks I’m both a coward and not to be trusted on her furniture.
so ur trying to tell me a buffalo chicken made this dip
You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, you can cry when the girl you used to babysit gets engaged before you do.
When my husband is mad at me,
I like to point at my wedding ring
and whisper “forever”
Pelican: OMG she is gorgeous
Water buffalo: Who?
P: That beautiful flamingo over there.
WB: Go talk to her.
P: She’s way out of my league, I don’t think I can.
WB: What do I always tell you Gary? You’re a Pelican…
WB/P: …not a Pelicant.
Them: Tell us something about yourself.
Me:
Maybe I just didn’t state this eloquently enough where’s my hammer?
The life cycle of an unsuccessful business:
1. Under construction
2. Grand opening!
3. Temporarily closed
4. Open under new management!
5. Temporarily closed
6. Permanently closed
7. Spirit Halloween
I see that your IQ test came back negative.
I think I’m gonna make a bracelet that supports getting rid of bracelets that support stuff.
Gonna pay my grandma $100 to slip “Syrian Refugee 1 and 2” onto the Thanksgiving seating chart to piss off my uncles.
*first date*
Him: You have a very defined jawline.
Me: Thanks! I chew a lot.
Moses: Yo, I think you typo’d this tablet, “Thou shall not Bill”?
God: Frig sakes.
Moses: Lol. Still want me to read it?
Told my kid in my day, if I missed an episode of a show, might have wait years to see it again
He looked at me like I’d just showed him prison tattoos
Me: Wanna go for a wa—
Dog: [has already brought me leash, phone, travel water bowl, passport]
Why proof read your tweets when you have plenty of people who’ll do it for free
i bet the first guy to say “smooth as a babies bottom” wasnt the most respected man in the community
me: want to help me save the bees this weekend?
her: sure!
[later]
her: uhhh, this isn’t what i thought it would be
me: *pauses reading the bible to a beehive* what do you mean
If couples who are in love are called love birds, then really, couples who always fight should be called angry birds!