I bet Adam and Eve loved being the first people cuz they didn’t have to worry about ghosts

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Damn girl are you the sun because you need to stay 92,960,000 miles away from me.


My daughter, filling out a college app, called me at home to get my home number. Big shout out to the ex-wife for pissing in my gene pool.


Interesting that the homeless population is down and now there is a big sale of unlabeled meat at the grocery store.


Mama I made it :,) RT @funTweeters: #WayneL_Jr Your tweet was published Welcome to the family 🙂


I am fed up with all these incest jokes about us Kentuckians. It’s offensive to me as well as Uncle Dad.


Your call is very important to us. So please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.


Why does my computer sound like it’s mining bitcoin whenever i open a browser


The unused seconds from all the microwaves get added to the lifespan of Betty White.