@bridger_w

I bet Adam and Eve loved being the first people cuz they didn’t have to worry about ghosts

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@illTortuga

Damn girl are you the sun because you need to stay 92,960,000 miles away from me.

@UncleDuke1969

My daughter, filling out a college app, called me at home to get my home number. Big shout out to the ex-wife for pissing in my gene pool.

@ilovepie84

Interesting that the homeless population is down and now there is a big sale of unlabeled meat at the grocery store.

@WayneL_Jr

Mama I made it :,) RT @funTweeters: #WayneL_Jr Your tweet was published Welcome to the family 🙂

@BradBroaddus

I am fed up with all these incest jokes about us Kentuckians. It’s offensive to me as well as Uncle Dad.

@roxyisrad

Your call is very important to us. So please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.

@neoselket

Why does my computer sound like it’s mining bitcoin whenever i open a browser

@SocialOutcast82

The unused seconds from all the microwaves get added to the lifespan of Betty White.