@peteholmes

i bet all the girls say “i bet you say that to all the girls” to all the guys.

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@MelvinofYork

It’s bad enough that I have to die someday, having my whole life flash before my eyes first just seems excessive

@Parkerlawyer

Hubs and I didn’t touch our phones at all during dinner.

Mainly bc eating crab legs takes two hands, but still, it felt romantic-ish.

@noog

*notices it’s not even 8am*

*been tweeting like a boss…*

*…to 5 insomniacs*

@ThisOneSayz

Me: Omg, my legs are like jello!

Trainer: You stood up.

Me: Sooo sore!!

@Cpin42

[being strapped into the electric chair] Are you mad at me?

@SirEviscerate

*accidentally uses flash while trying to take pic of funny looking person on the bus*

*makes distant thunder noises with mouth*

@causticbob

I went for a job interview.

The bloke asked, “Where do you see yourself in 10 yrs time?”

“Same as now – in photos and mirrors,” I replied

@3sunzzz

Who is that walking up my driveway?!

Anxiety in 3…2…1…

[knock, knock]

*sigh*

“WAIT A SECOND!” *mumbles* “I need to find pants.”

@AZHORSEMOM77

I act really tough for a person who spent $40 on cookies I dont like because a girl scout was crying

@TheRolo

911: What is your emergency?
Me: I love you.

911: Hang up.
Me: No you hang up.

911: Stop.
Me: This is so us.