i bet all the girls say “i bet you say that to all the girls” to all the guys.
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Restaurant manager: You’re hired. You start as a server tomorrow.
Me: I can’t wait!
RM: You’re fired.
Just think, if Aristotle would have been a cow, today we’d all be studying meadowphysics.
I still think “nonfungible” sounds like it means “cannot be turned into a mushroom”.
For being the most motivated sperm,
Some of us have really tapered off.
Lady Gaga: rah rah ah ah ah rom mah ro mah mah
Shaggy *wiping tears at Scooby’s funeral* beautiful
Mmmmm white people
– sharks
Having watched me install a yard spotlight, the kids are looking at me in what I can only assume is awe, bathed as we all are in the glow of a whole new light.
I must say, I’m as surprised at them at just how quickly the flames have spread, though.
EDWARD SNOWDEN: I can help determine the writer of that anonymous op-ed
TRUMP: What op-ed?
EDWARD SNOWDEN: Not much, what’s op with you?
God only gives you what you can handle. Really? Because I’m pretty sure I could handle way more money.
Discovered my husband thinks the candy is called “whoopers” and I may never recover from this
Yes, I am a fully grown woman.
No, I won’t leave this ball pit.
[You’re at Gwyneth Paltrow’s house and the power goes out]
NO. DEAR GOD, NO!
why do men take selfies like they’re being held hostage & can only communicate through their eyes that something terrible is happening
Assuring my wife that we are just meaningless organisms in a bleak, indifferent world doesn’t seem to be helping her get over her bad haircut.
A moment of silence please for the bottle of wine I just dropped.
It was a tragic accident.
Gone too soon.
[creation of trees]
god: when it’s warm you’ll be covered in leaves
tree: like a big coat?
god: yes but when it’s cold they’ll all fall off
tree: (eyes narrow) how long have you been doing this job
Everything I know about love I learned from the venus fly trap.
my dog stole an entire baguette and hid it under her bed so she could eat it in secret and i am only mad bc i did not think of doing that for myself
H: Are you a beer drinker or a wine drinker?
Me: … … … Yes.
Girls will be like, “You don’t mind if I put something of yours in my mouth, do you?”
And then they eat all your fries.
glass half empty: I just found an old banana in my kid’s backpack
glass half full: It’s only 6 days old
Detective: Where were you at 8:30 p.m. on. . .
Me: Twitter
interviewer: describe your hero
me: I needed to borrow space in a friend’s freezer but it was full so she ate enough food to make room
Inventor of balloons: You know what this party needs? Rubber balls filled with my breath
Although this might seem a bit pricey at first, please keep in mind that it takes approximately two dozen mice to make one pound, which comes out to only about nineteen cents per mouse.
“Having sex for money is bad because it is counterfeiting feelings” wow dude, I have bad news about every other customer service job ever
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
Remember, smoking doesn’t kill people. People who are trying to quit smoking kill people.
Me: Empty the dishwasher, please.
10 y/o: Can’t…need to work on my business idea.
Me: What’s your business idea?
10y/o: I’m gonna charge anyone who pets our dog.
Me:
10y/o:
Me: Do you need a partner, and how much we chargin?