I bet Amelia Earhart is just wandering around in an IKEA somewhere.
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netflix be hiring writers who have literally never had a normal conversation with anyone ever
my brain: you have over a thousand unread emails
me: yes
my brain: are you ever going to read them?
me: no
my brain: then delete them
me: no
ARUGULA is my favorite vegetable whose name sounds like a car horn from the 50’s.
It’s called crossfit because you’re really mad that you’re doing it
7: are eggs vegetables?
10: no! and they’re not fruit either, they’re children!
They dug up a skeleton on my street. Crazy to think that somewhere out there someone is walking around without a skeleton
it’s weird that a librarian and a book-keeper are different things
Last party I went to before COVID met a guy who worked in finance who told me he was an “experiences manager” and got defensive when I asked him what experiences he manages.
*works out for 75 mins
*eats an entire batch of cookie dough
If I got a nickel when someone called me an old soul,
I could buy a hot dog, french fries, a large coke, fill up my gas tank and still have enough left over to get a ticket to the baseball game
Most girls: “I hangout with guys, there’s less drama.” Me: “I hangout by myself. There’s no drama & I don’t have to wear pants.”
these physical therapy memes r ruthless bro
I don’t get vegetables on my pizza because I don’t like mixing business with pleasure
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
Every day is a struggle to resist the overwhelming biological urge to throw a frozen watermelon into a hot deep fat fryer but yes, I’d love to help you plan a formal dinner party.
Friend: *texting* come out tonight
Me: *three days later* who’s gonna be there
“Just gonna take a little off the top” I whisper, scooping all the icing from your cake with my fork.
*flashes smile*
*smile calls police*
“I’m sorry. I haven’t had sex for a very long time.” — and other things I say during the meeting to excuse my bad behavior.
Bae: Are you coming over?
Me: Yes, I’m coming over.
– Me and Bae having CB Radio sex
Me: Don’t forget…measure twice, cut once
Surgeon, to nurse: Why is he awake?
As a kid I thought karma would drop more pianos on people’s heads, and now I’m super disappointed.
Being single gives me time to focus on other things like getting fat
The local casino is hosting a speed dating event.
Just what every woman needs, a new boyfriend with a gambling problem.
“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean
Not all dogs go to heaven because I just saw two dogs having sex and dogs can’t get married. Hope you both enjoy hell.
As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.
When a girl says “I’m cold” don’t be an idiot and say “me too”, instead say “well damn Jackie I can’t control the weather”
Wife: I’m leaving with the kids if you don’t stop pretending our house is a hospital
Me: That would be great, we really need the beds
THE INVENTOR OF THE HUG: if you feel uncomfortable now, get ready to feel even more uncomfortable