I bet at least ONE of Leonardo DiCaprio’s friends has called him Leotard. Probably Mark Wahlberg…
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[before sex]
Me: *taking off clothes* they call me the matador
Her: why’s that?
Me: *crawling in bed with socks on* the red flags
inventor of grenades: *holding avocado* i wish this was louder
Mad Max: Furry Road
This family attached a microphone to their 4 year old and the result was adorable ❤️
5yo *oldest*: Dad, why do we have to eat our vegetables?
Me: You know what? Our first kid asked the same question
When the hotdog gets placed in the bun, does it think it’s going canoeing
I have a “wayward” son & telling him to “carry on” doesn’t sound like good advice, but whatever you say, kansas
“Aww. You guys… And it’s not even my real birthday! #flattered .”
-Jesus
Have your tribal tattoo call my tramp stamp and let’s make beautiful, douchey babies together.
Who needs a bull in a china shop when you have a 2-year-old contemplating Grandma’s figurine collection?
Sharks don’t like the taste of human flesh, which must mean they are drama queens who only eat people for attention.
When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.
PILOT: Welcome to flying school. Any questions?
ME: Is it possible to crash into a rainbow?
PILOT: Yes it’s how most of you will die. Next?
Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that Im typing this with my middle finger.
[washing my hands in the blood of my enemies] *counting to 20 in my head*
The terminator figures out where John Connor is but he can’t do anything about it because he’s on 3% and can’t find a charger.
Toddlers be like, we can do this the hard way or the harder way.
Dad has his phone in a protective case that could survive a lunar landing but growing up I don’t remember us kids ever wearing a seat belt.
teenage son: [mad at me] I WISH I WAS BATMAN [slams door]
me: ok lol
[later]
me: hey what the f-
My husband just asked the neighbor where he can get a grill like his for our toddler to practice on and now I know how dad’s feud
*trimming my nose hair in the mirror
You sexy beast.
There is really no good way to work “garçon” into dirty talk and yet that hasn’t stopped me from trying.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: [stops painting nails] Nope. What’s up?
Was going to call my senator about TikTok, but then the app turned on “see who viewed but didn’t like your video” again so I’m ok if it goes.
Groundhog Day
1993 ‧ Comedy/Romance ‧ 1h 41mGroundhog Year
2020/21 ‧ Horror ‧ 10,272days
Why do cars slow down when they see a cop has pulled someone over? HE’S A LITTLE BUSY TO WORRY ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW DUMMIES
Maybe the philharmonic isn’t so bad after all 🤔