I bet cats are sad that they don’t have a middle finger.
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You can wonder about other people’s motivations or you can hit yourself in the head with a hammer, and the end result is roughly the same.
My husband spent an hour at Home Depot yesterday and I spent an hour trying to find my husband in Home Depot yesterday.
Nobody:
Midwesterners: why would I fly when it’s only a 14 hour drive?
ME: this is Inky my pet octopus, Stompy my elephant and Mr Butters my horse
FRIEND: the horse isn’t Hoofy or something?
ME: grow up Kalvin
Hoping all my fellow North Carolinians are staying safe. Except my 7th grade boyfriend. I hope that dude ends up in China.
Me: got my food and now I’ll just grab a napkin.
Napkin Dispenser: ok, 38 napkins to you my dude.
Me: no just-just one.
Napkin Dispenser: right, no napkins for you bro.
Me: uh what?
Napkin Dispenser: a bunch of napkins in smallish pieces for my homie.
[After winning an award]
Host: Is there anyone you would like to thank?Me *smiles at my wife and kids in the crowd as I lean into the mic* no
so i told my boyfriend i was having my period and he said “Again?”
you know what, you’re right im going to cancel that monthly subscription
“you’re the biggest narcissist i’ve ever encountered!”
why are you making this about you?
You have tattoos and curves?
*unbuttons pants*
You’re also batshit crazy?
*takes off pants*
You listen to Paramore?
*puts on clothes*
I consider page 2 of google results the dark web.
Eatіng іn bed іs much better. Everythіng’s a napkіn.
We’re having company over today, so naturally my husband is helping me prepare by looking for the soil testing kit that he bought over a year ago.
Evolution saved Big Bird from fitting in a mine.
My dad taught me the importance of having convictions in life. Ten felonies later, I now know that some words have more than one meaning.
[Entering Building As A Guy Leaves]
Me: It’s muggy out there.
Guy: I’ll be fine.
*guy is beaten & robbed immediately.
M: Told you.
The only reason I’ve been going out with this guy all summer is because I have no idea how to operate my gas grill.
Kevin Hart said that he has turned down roles because the characters were gay, which is weird because I didn’t think he knew the word “no.”
Arrested by a cop on a tandem bike and I had to help pedal all the way down to the precinct. 😠
Me, after a minor inconvenience:
[6 PM]
Tween:
[7 PM]
Tween:
[8 PM]
Tween:
[9 PM]
Tween: I need a poster board for school tomorrow.
When I awoke this morning my husband lovingly walked toward me, bent down, kissed the dog on the forehead and whispered, “I won’t be long” then left in case you want to know what a rockin’ hot marriage is like
I just went through the $10 carwash by myself without any kids and it was the best vacation I’ve been on in 4 years.
Him: I got 99 problems but you ain’t one.
Her: Just wait.
At a wedding during the vows, the little flower girl yells out “When is this over?”
She gets it..
I ordered a $9.00 salad on a food delivery app. That’s $57.00 I’ll never see again.
Me, mouthful of cicadas: WHAT?!
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
You’d think with food shortages around the world someone would have come up with a way to grow pepperoni pizza trees or something.
My husband has forbidden me to go to Costco when I’m hungry. I don’t understand. How hard is it to eat 47 rotisserie chickens?