I bet da Vinci told Mona Lisa to smile more and that’s why he’s dead now.
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Wore my clip-on, flip-up sunglasses in my dating profile pic, because women don’t easily forget something like that.
Want to play doctor? You be the patient, I be the lobotomist.
Me: Do the dishes.
10-year-old: That’s the worst possible thing you could say to me.
Me: Do the dishes all week.
Old people always be like “wow you’ve put on some weight since I last saw you” in front of everybody.
Shampoo is much more marketable than it’s original name, Shamshit.
If I saw an elephant in the room, that’s ALL I’d be talking about.
For sale: baby shoes. Never worn. Nothing sinister! Wrong size. Should’ve measured. First baby. Very excited!!
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
“You heard the song I was playing?”
Cop: Yes I did, and now HERE I AM
“ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE”
Some people shouldn’t be informed when this quarantine is over.
A woman could tweet “My dog just died” and she would get replies like “Well, I’m not dead ;)”
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy who sprayed air freshener into my restroom stall…
nothing turns on a necrophiliac detective like cold, hard evidence
People often say “I’m too young for this shit” or “I’m too old for this shit” but never “this shit right here is age-appropriate”
What is going on? 😅
⚠️ Important Reminder:
*shakes the ATM like it’s a vending machine*
Me washing my car
Neighbour: Hey what’s up? Washing your car?
Me: No, I’m watering it to see if it’ll grow into a bus.
Axl Rose: Where do we go?
Me: Left
Axl: Where do we go now?
Me: Straight.
Axl: Oh, where do we go now?
Me: Damn it, Axl, let me drive!
SERIAL KILLER: you can run but you can’t hide
ME: [crying] you believe in me more than my track coach ever did
When a kid is mean to my kid…
(what I say): Let’s rise above their anger and show kindness
(what I want to say): MY WRATH WILL SWEEP THEIR FAMILY TREE WITH THE VENGEANCE OF 1,000 SUNS
“Baby last night you were so hot, let’s do it all over again this morning.”
-me, speaking to this leftover pizza.
Bachelor: Will you accept this rose?
Me: Do you have any food?
Most of what I know about pre-communist Russia I learned from Boney M
If you need me I’ll be in a weird mood.
me: i refuse to put the word “dad” in my handle and make all my tweets about parenting. i love my son but i am still my own person and need to maintain my own identity.
them: weird way to start a custody hearing and what is a “handle?”
EARTH: hey there buddy why so sad?
ME: climate change is ravaging human existence with endless waves of disaster
EARTH: great just checking
me: I’m going to kill the moon
dude: the moon is flat
me: I’m going to kill the moon and flat-mooners
Doctor: We need you to spit in this cup.
Me, making unbroken eye contact: Ptooey.
How many people out here using bar soap? I don’t think my kids would even be able to identify it
angel: where’d all the zebras go?
God: I put ’em in the desert
angel: dude their camouflage was for the snow
God: I know lol