I bet every time Beyoncé leaves a restaurant everyone fights over who gets to smell her chair
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My kids are young, so when they listen to old school music they think its new. They are currently listening to a hot new band called Queen.
Left the kids alone in a room with some styrofoam. One just yelled “it’s snowing” and the other started singing jingle bells. What have I done
[GRAND CANYON]
WIFE: Isn’t this incredible?
ME: It’s ok.
WIFE: Were you expecting a thousand canyons?
ME: I don’t want to talk about it
Psychology majors be like damn I can’t even be mad at you bc I know why you reacted the way you did
Ladies, if you don’t want to answer a question from a guy, say, “I already TOLD you. You never listen.”
We have no idea if you’re lying.
I keep checking my bank account like a hungry person checking an empty refrigerator. Neither one is going to magically be full.
Having an Internet girlfriend is easier than having a real girlfriend because I don’t have to suck my gut in.
I never rule out murder as the crime, even when it’s jaywalking.
It’s been 0 days since a member of family who claims to love me unplugged my phone to charge their own device.
Me: Who’s a good boy? WHO’S A GOOD BOY? Who wants a belly rub? WHO WANTS A BELLY RUB?
Client: Can I get a different massage therapist?
KiK? Nope. I only joke about divorce. I’m not committed to it actually happening.
Just had a cardio workout peeling an orange.
Cheeseburgers don’t make you work to eat them.
There’s an important lesson here.
OBI WAN KENOBI: These are not the droids you’re looking for
GUARD: [licks lips] I’m not looking for droids handsome
Taking my dog out in below zero weather brings one thought to mind. I should have gotten a cat.
Remember mad cow disease?
Good times.
lawyer: juror number four why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency.
[answering machine]
“Hi Mom, leave a message”
An OnlyFans but for bedtime stories.
“No i’m clearly not in a position to be giving you advice right now”
*gets down from doing a headstand*
“Ok, lay it on me”
If you need anything you can call me any time of the day or night. I won’t answer and my ringer will be off, so it won’t bother me at all.
“This soup is fantastic, I’ll have another please.”
Bartender: “Ma’am, that’s a martini”
Hey, Lady Gaga. I know your fan base would probably revolt, but can you please hire the Goo Goo Dolls as your opening act so you can call it the Goo Goo Gaga Tour? Thanks in advance for your consideration.
Can’t. Growing Yosemite Sam moustache.
(Blows you a kiss with chip crumbs hitting your face)
have unfortunately discovered you can ask gpt4 to write you a rupi kaur poem and it does a really good job
No, I don’t need a Fitbit. I can count to 45 by myself.
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
if i saw a ufo i would simply identify it. not that big of a deal
Can you guys make me famous? I’m tired of being a meaningful contributor to society.
Holiday cards, when you care enough to let friends, family, customers & clients see how your handwriting hasn’t improved since fourth grade.