I bet every time Vanilla sets his razor down on the bathroom sink, he looks up in the mirror, rubs his newly smooth face & says “Shaved Ice”
You Might Also Like
Best thing about drinking in downtown LA is that if u need a bathroom, it’s all around you
My wife just sent me a text ” I just bought you the best Christmas present! xox :)” …..I hope she misspelled Xbox
8am: i’m so tired
10am: i’m so tired
1pm: i’m so tired
4pm: i’m so tired
8pm: i’m so tired
11pm: i’m so tired
2am: WHAT HAVEN’T I WATCHED ON NETFLIX, WHAT CAN I BUY ON AMAZON DOT COM, I AM GOING TO CHECK LINKEDIN FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER
[In the back of the car, imitating GPS voice] IN A HALF MILE, TAKE A SLIGHT RIGHT. ALSO PUT ERICS MIXTAPE BACK ON THAT WAS SO GOOD
People say I have the legs of a dancer. But until they find the rest of the body, the cops have nothing on me, man!
Alan Rickman lost in the woods, leaving a trail of perfectly pronounced words
Did you just call me a boombox? Eugh that’s such a stereotype
Google search history:
Marawana
Marjawana
Is there a j in marawana
Wheat
Wheat for smoking
Free wheet
Glad my car insurance company requires a 10 character password to log-in. Wouldn’t want someone to hack in and…pay my insurance bill
Executive Vice President of Coca-Cola: “we refresh the world.” So modest. We all know it’s more than that. It also removes rust from chrome bumpers.
Martha Stewart gives me the crêpes.
Brushing my daughter’s hair
Me: Why is your hair SO tangled?
5: I don’t know. Glue maybe?
Me: Did you put glue in your hair?
5: Yes.
I just bought ibuprofen from Costco so if anyone has any aches or pains, I can help 16,000 of you
My dog turns sleeping on the edge of the bed into an extreme sport
She went out this morning for milk and lovingly announced upon her return that she’d bought me two donuts, then when I wasn’t looking she unlovingly ate one.
Just got added to a list called “people.” Glad I made that cut.
Pessimist: it’s half empty
Optimist: it’s half full
Me, taking huge sip: is there half a sandwich too?
Husband: The kids shoes are wet from playing in the sprinklers.
Me: Please throw them in the dryer.
Husband: I don’t think we’re allowed to do that as parents.
Me: Their shoes, Craig! Not the children.
Little Mermaid remake: Ariel falls in love after seeing the tender way Prince Eric holds a fish in his Tinder profile.
I lost my voice so basically I’m every mans dream girl right now.
*pulling up to the mcdonald’s drive thru*
me: can i get an order of prescription-strength french fries, please
One time I bought these shoes from a drug dealer, and I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day
kids are oblivious to everything but let ‘em find a takeout bag in the trash: WHEN DID YOU GO TO MCDONALDS??????????
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work
Going to a baby shower and I’m real nervous, do they just kind of pour down on you? If you catch one do you have to keep it?
“I was in so many vaginas in college my buddies called me Danpon. Anywho, tell me all your hopes and dreams.” – Me on first date/last date
I backed my car into my husband’s car once when we were dating and for 25 years he’s not parked behind me.
Me: Here’s half my income.
Daycare: Cool. Here’s a new virus every other week.
1. Rage against the machine.
2. Check to make sure machine is plugged in.
3. Apologize to the toaster for the misunderstanding.
Secure web server:
> Email/password please.
Insecure web server:
> I just don’t know if I’m good enough…am I?