I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
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i’ve always wanted to be a whistleblower but unfortunately i don’t know anything
“Has science finally gone too far,” I ask my hybrid pig falcon as we stare in disbelief at the latest Prius.
Cyndi Lauper: “Girls just want to have fun.”
Me: “Some of us just want eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.”
Teacher: You have one pie, there are four people who want pie, what percentage of the pie would you get?
Me: 100%
[spelling bee]
moderator: your word is abandon
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: everyone you love will abandon you
me: omg
moderator: lol no not even close
No Grandma, a brothel is not a soup kitchen.
I got scolded by the gyno for not being able to leave a pee sample, but if I’ve learned anything as a mom it’s to always use the bathroom before I leave home
“Mom, can you make me a snack and bring it upstairs?”
Me: “No! What is this, Denny’s?”
“Mom, Denny’s doesn’t have an upstairs.”
Whenever I skip a day on the treadmill, I add the 25 minutes to the next day. Tomorrow, I will be running until 2026.
Ordered a book about trees from my library. It’s on root.
[Lori Loughlin trial]
JUDGE: Does the defence have any witnesses?
LAWYER: We’d like to call Jesse Katsopolis
JUDGE: Isn’t he a fictional character?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: Is he just gonna act hunky and say, “Have Mercy”?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
Therapist: I think you both suffer from Münchausen syndrome
Hansel and Gretel: [mouths full of gingerbread and gumdrops] why?
*dad walks in on me doing homework*
“HAH NERD MORE LIKE HOMOWORK”
Dad you’re still in third grade
“Probably because I’m not a nerd like you”
Server: would you like some freshly grated Parmesan?
Me: yes, please! *opens purse*
[inventing tupperware]
make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti
My one neighbor just said Supposingly and my other neighbor responded with Supposably..
I’ve hid both their bodies
God is watching everything. God is sitting on side upper birth.
Me: you should join Twitter.
Them: I don’t even like people.
Me: then you’re gonna love it.
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
ME: This is my newborn, straight from the hospital.
OTHER PARENT: You’re parenting wrong.
*At a restaurant, 3yo not sitting still*
Aunt Lisa: What’s wrong, dude, do you have ants in your pants?
3: *Looks stunned, drops pants*. Can you get them out?!
Parents, let this be a reminder that young kids will take 99.9% of what you say literally.
Her: Why don’t you ever discuss politics with me?
Me: Because I respect your right to be wrong.
The cat acts like I’m interfering as she plays with a toy but that’s my phone charger!
I have some overdue fees at the library, if you’re into bad boys.
Rand Paul’s full name is Random Politician
Me (to a baby): Hush little baby don’t say a word. Momma’s gonna buy you a mocking bird
Mom: like hell I’ll buy that kid anything..
Every old house is haunted, but some ghosts are just clumsier than others.
My latest business venture is not-for-profit, apparently.
I lost my tesau…thesor…word book.
I’m concerned that the Mars Perseverance rover is stealing jobs from space cowboys