@Heatinblack

I bet ghost anatomy is an easy course

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@iamburtjarvis

what do you get when you cross an octopus with a human?

thrown in jail for public indecency and banned from the aquarium for life.

@Discourt

Things I’ve learned as a mom:
Kiss boo boo’s.
Say I love you a lot.
Snuggle when they ask.
Do laundry daily.
Hide the good snacks.

@daemonic3

This cat poop tastes like I’m about to get yelled at.

— Dogs

@MooseAllain

Writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced. There’s a lovely key change at the end.

@ashmensch

“Excuse me, but the sign says ‘No shirt, no shoes, no service.’ It doesn’t say a goddamn thing about no pants.”

– Me, drunk at Target

@Beerhaze

I have never cried at the movies as much as I did after Les Misérables when my wife said I couldn’t have fried chicken for the drive home.

@unbub_

Google would like to use your current location. Allow/Deny? Allow
*100 Google employees throw a party at my house*