I bet ghost anatomy is an easy course
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marriage counselor: pretend you both just started talking.
me: goo goo gah gah
marriage counselor: no.
Shit dude that SUCKS
-me as a 911 operator
I dropped my phone, is everyone okay?!
Tupperware: this dating service “Tops and Bottoms” just didn’t turn out the way I thought.
I got married under the spiderweb at recess when I was in kindergarten. I just saw my ex with his new wife. I bet she doesn’t know he eats crayons.
[sexting]
He: What are your measurements?
She: 36, 24, 36, 19, 72, 54, 2, 14,
He: WTF
She: I A M T H E K R A K E N
We all have our pet causes.
I asked my dad what his favorite joke was.
He said, “I can’t pick a favorite. I love you and your sister equally!”
“Hey kids, you like candy?” I said to my own kids, luring them into my van so I could get them to school and be at work on time.
As someone with extensive IT experience, I can almost guarantee the AT&T outage yesterday was over some certificate expiring somewhere and nobody knowing how to regenerate it because Carl got laid off seven years ago and the only machine with the keys decommissioned in 2019.
Human Resources just came up with a cool new term for just about everything I like to do at work. They call it “inappropriate”
Make sure you tip your exorcist or else you can get repossessed.
My phone charger is lying in another room, HELP.
I mean, really though, who hasn’t seen a UFO at this point?
Make sure to wash your hands before AND after you eat the rich
“if anyone asks, i’ve been here the whole time”
Me: hey did you buy ‘100 Count Tennis Balls’ from Amazon?
Wife: no
Dog: *pretending to read newspaper*
Don’t fit in their boxes.
You’re not a cat.
COWORKER: donuts in the break room want me to grab you one?
ME: no thanks i’m on a diet
CW: are you sur-
M: OK BUT I’LL JUST HAVE THREE
*puts down 1000 page thesis*
*adjusts microphone*
*looks at audience*So, and hear me out, what if Mr. Miyagi actually paid those schoolboys to bully that kid so he can get his house fixed?
Guy: [pulls out knife]
Me: But I’m allergic to stainless steel
Guy: [stabs me]
Me: Noooo I’ll get a rash
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one today.
Anyway. Monkey for sale.
I tried sliding across the hood of my Camaro, but my pony tail got caught in the windshield wiper.
“Everything hurts and I’m always exhausted.”
WebMD: Parenthood
[invention of blue cheese]
“this cheese has gone off”
sell it
“but it’s gone mouldy”
I SAID SELL IT!
“fine”
& double the price
“are u ok?”
Have you ever considered, that if there is a God, same sex attraction was created to prevent the overpopulation of unloved children? I have.
[Marriage Counseling]
Wife: He’s always messing up even the simplest phrases.
Me: I THOUGHT we were gonna keep that on the download…
Fortune cookie: You will travel far and wide and touch many lives along the way.
Me: [sighs and starts drafting apology notes now]
I forgot the word bird’s ‘nest’ earlier so I called it a twigloo.
My youngest son can grow a beard even though his father can’t.
Score 1, for my facial hair producing genes.