what do you get when you cross an octopus with a human?
thrown in jail for public indecency and banned from the aquarium for life.
I bet ghost anatomy is an easy course
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Things I’ve learned as a mom:
Kiss boo boo’s.
Say I love you a lot.
Snuggle when they ask.
Do laundry daily.
Hide the good snacks.
This cat poop tastes like I’m about to get yelled at.
She can’t leave if you’re wearing all of her clothes.
Writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced. There’s a lovely key change at the end.
“Excuse me, but the sign says ‘No shirt, no shoes, no service.’ It doesn’t say a goddamn thing about no pants.”
– Me, drunk at Target
I have never cried at the movies as much as I did after Les Misérables when my wife said I couldn’t have fried chicken for the drive home.
Google would like to use your current location. Allow/Deny? Allow
*100 Google employees throw a party at my house*
what the hell is this stain?
– a memoir