I bet ghost anatomy is an easy course

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what do you get when you cross an octopus with a human?

thrown in jail for public indecency and banned from the aquarium for life.


Things I’ve learned as a mom:
Kiss boo boo’s.
Say I love you a lot.
Snuggle when they ask.
Do laundry daily.
Hide the good snacks.


This cat poop tastes like I’m about to get yelled at.

— Dogs


Writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced. There’s a lovely key change at the end.


“Excuse me, but the sign says ‘No shirt, no shoes, no service.’ It doesn’t say a goddamn thing about no pants.”

– Me, drunk at Target


I have never cried at the movies as much as I did after Les Misérables when my wife said I couldn’t have fried chicken for the drive home.


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*100 Google employees throw a party at my house*