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The UPS person who always found Wile E. Coyote in the middle of the desert for same day deliveries is the real hero.
The acute panic of my child going to hunt for batteries in my bedroom.
her: what’s up
me: i’m just driving
her: cool where
me: in the front seat
her: no i mean what location
me: driver’s side
Why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign![]()
[home]
FRIEND: How’d family dinner go?
ME: Huge mess to clean.
F: It’s spotless!
M: *sprays luminol* You’d never know they were even here.
Surgeon: Appendectomies are tricky, you sure you got this?
Dr. Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: *flings scalpel into ceiling* You bet!
I get the feeling some of you have been told by others of you not to talk to me. This means war.
Detective: I see, and how long has she been missing?
Me: (holding back tears) 3 days
D: Mmhm. And we have her Instagram so we know what she looks like
M: Not really
Triceratops seeks Tricerabottom
-Jurassic period Grindr
Sent him a pic and he replied “BOOM!!” Trying to figure out if that means he liked it or he threw himself on a grenade.
My co-worker said he’s bleeding out of his ear. “That time of the month?” I replied.
He’s not amused.
This older woman on this flight next to me just pulled out her knitting so I pulled out my knitting and started talking to her about it and she could not have been less interested. She’s now wearing earplugs. Not even headphones to listen to music. Earplugs.
Me: Our kids are finally at an age where we can sleep in on week-
Youth sports: Let me stop you right there.
I think I’m finally becoming more mature. Now when I watch Spongebob I usually agree with Squidward.
can’t a grown man in a phantom of the opera face mask just go grocery shopping like everybody else!? geeze.
If you’re hitting the gas every time she tries to open the passenger side door, remember, the 8th time is always the funniest.
People talk about the environment like the Earth’s in danger. Don’t worry about Earth. Earth was a ball of magma once. Worry about us.
[10:06pm]
13: Why is the ceiling in my room white? I feel like I’m staring into blankness when I’m in bed.
Me: Lay on your side and face the painted wall.
13: It sounds like you don’t care about my relaxing process and just want me to go to sleep.
mcdonalds should have a completely soft meal you can eat while sneaking past guards
Mom: You can’t have cookies for breakfast!
Me: Why?
Mom: Have something healthy-here, eat these chocolate chip pancakes with syrup instead
Nothing is as heavy as a page that needs turning.
Yeah I like bananas. When they’re almost yellow but still have a tiny bit of green near the stem. So for about a bananosecond.
Horned lizards can squirt blood out of their eyes when threatened by predators, but my enemies have to be satisfied with my regular tears.
I’m delighted we’ll soon see a dog again in the White House, but look forward to the day when there will finally be a cat in there. Who’ll then want to be outside the White House, and twenty minutes later, back inside the White House again.
[cashier slapping the Cool Ranch chips out of my hand]: Oh no you don’t, nerd
one time i accidentally spilled some tabasco sauce on my grandma’s ouija board & the next thing i knew my pontiac fiero was on fire
My husband said I’m the most amazing woman on the planet. GEESH CRAIG WHAT ABOUT THE MILLIONS OF OTHER PLANETS?!? AM I JUST MEDIOCRE ON THOSE? I’m throwing up so much right now
Adult: If it ain’t broke don’t fix it
Child: If it ain’t breakable, not interested
Marriage only works when both partners listen. Not to each other; god that would be horrible advice.
Please let it be chicken..please let it be chicken
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