I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.
You Might Also Like
My 3-year-old stubbed his toe and then cried and screamed I’M DYING,” so I silently looked at my husband and he sighed and said, “I know. He got that from me.”
Cable Guy: Can I come in your back door?
Me: Maybe for free HBO.
Cable Guy:
Me: I’m kidding…sort of…not really.
Cable Guy:
[interview for waiter position]
Manager: “So how experienced are you at carrying multiple plates?”
Stegosaurus: “You’re kidding me right?”
I’ll never reveal my secrets.
Alcohol: Lol.
me: hey remember when we hid the stamps from the kids?
my brain: yup!
me: where did we put those?
my brain:
me:
my brain: ok, you’re never gonna believe this
When you can’t find your friend Neil
how to meditate myself out of criminal intent oh shoot i thought this was google
I mean, who hasn’t faked being goth for an entire year just to get out of being a bridesmaid in their sister’s wedding?
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
*personally visits the 7 friends who continually trap me in a rather chatty text message group & punches each of them in the face*
I handle stress the way cats bathe in water.
Love the deli paper on the doctor’s table. Mmm I’m a sick little sandwich
[calls 911]
Me: my wife’s been bitten by a snake
Operator: ok, suck the poison out
Me [whispering]: dude there’ll be nothing left of her
You ever look someone in the eyes and it’s just blank? Like, you can see right into the filing cabinet of their brain and all the drawers are empty
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: I guess you could say I made a [turns to camera] grave mistake
[exchanging vows]
HIM: I’ll love you forever.
HER: I’ll love you until you leave me a voicemail.
HIM: Wait, what?!
PRIEST: No, that’s fair.
interviewer: what are some of your strengths
me: i’m really good at making people question their reality
interviewer: what does that mean
me: [slightly tearing up] you really don’t remember the accident do you
My dental hygienist is probably thinking, I bet i could braid this guys nose hair.
I always make sure the garage door is shut. Wouldn’t want hoodlums stealing the stuff I’ve been meaning to get rid of for years; hell, decades
“Eat right and exercise?!?…
I dunno…seems like some kind of a scam, Doc.”
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
ocean: *waves*
me: *starts to wave back then realize it’s waving at the woman behind me*
I can’t grow a hair on my head but overnight I can grow a four inch long single eyebrow hair
Has anyone tried putting all the Wordle answers together to see if they spell out a warning
Benjamin Button
Started off dead
Violets are blue
Roses are red
My years of napping and making out with strangers have prepared me for a solid career as a CPR dummy
All that money and sleep was super annoying anyway.
-lies parents tell themselves
I’m currently in between meals and not very happy about it
Parenting goals before having kids: make tons of blanket forts, never lose your temper, appreciate every minute.
After: sit down.