I bet homophobic guys get reincarnated into condoms.
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[wife answering phone]
Gary, it’s 3am! Where are you?“I don’t have time for questions, but if you ever wanted a peacock tell me now!”
“Instruction manuals are for amateurs,” I proclaim, just prior to assembling the item in such a way that not even the manufacturer would recognize it
*watching someone make a cake*
them: and now add the mascarpone
me: ah yes, the one that hides the horses
Fitbit: Time for a walk
Me: *walks to snack machine
Somehow this viral tweet from my old account is even more relevant now than when I posted it nearly 3 years ago
My daughter: I don’t need your help. Unless it’s like really difficult. Or costs more than twenty dollars.
Being a wife and mom is kind of like being a lawyer, everyone hates you until they need you
On my usual morning jaunt this morning, casually advancing the society in which I live, I was briefly detained by an officer of the law. And indeed, as any law abiding citizen would do, I quickly put my clothes back on
Me: *stopping* Siri, reroute to kitchen, there’s a traffic jam.
Siri: Step over the dog.
Due to rising prices, Dollar Tree is changing their name to ‘Tree Fiddy’.
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
Wife: “No.”
*takes pants off*
*tries on another pair in The Gap change room*
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
Some people should be forced to carry a plant around with them, to replace the oxygen they waste.
I missed going to the gym today.
So that’s 20 years in a row now.
Batgirl: I have a riddle for you, Riddler.
Riddler: Oh?
B: Notice anything different about me?
R:
R: *jumps to his death from 46th-floor window*
*brings bucket of fried chicken in meeting*
*meeting starts*
*I eat each piece, crunching, licking my fingers*
*touches all the paper work*
the process of buying a podcast mic in america needs to be made as or more difficult than buying a gun
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
Genie: You can’t have unlimited wishes.
Me: I wish for unlimited genies.
Genie: Son of a
You’re 25, please stop saying back in the day.
I normally don’t brag when I go to expensive places, but I just left the gas station..
Bought $200 sunglasses.
Lost them in 15 minutes.Bought Walmart sunglasses.
Had them for 238 years.
I think we as a society can hold two thoughts at same time a) almost anyone can be scammed + b) a financial advice columnist falling for an “Amazon rep” connecting you to “the CIA” who tells you to put 50k in unmarked bills in a shoebox to toss in a car and tell no one in wild
I took my 4yo to the playground for the first time in months and based on what I’m seeing I think they’re teaching parkour in kindergarten these days
Told my daughter that whoever takes the longest nap gets to choose what’s for dinner.
And now we wait.
Welcome to the stomach
We found Max..
#MyFebruaryAccomplishment
I hate showing my baby pictures because everyone says “you were so cute” but there’s always the unspoken but implied “what happened”
I hate when people use words without knowing the meaning…gives me a huge hysterectomy on the side of my head.
I don’t give a damn what the horoscopes say, get you a girl born in February. Amethyst is one of the cheaper birthstones and if you play your cards right you can do one of those Birthday-Valentine’s Day combo celebrations.
4: I need my princess dress NOW!
Me: You heard the lady! GET HER A PRINCESS DRESS STAT!
4: Who are you talking to?
Me: Your servants
4: I don’t have servants
Me: Exactly