I bet if Jesus had turned water into Vodka. The Bible would’ve been a lot more interesting.
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[Sperm Bank]
DOCTOR (to the Nurse): Get a load of this guy
My signature move is putting on my reading glasses when I don’t understand what the person in front of me is saying.
What percentage of the zombies are just chasing you down to tell you they’re vegan?
Sometimes the trash takes out itself. Unfortunately, it usually runs its stupid mouth first.
elephants are scared of mice they’re like 100x their size, stupid massive wimps
[a wasp flies in my car and i completely drive off a bridge]
Husband: Wow! The house looks amazing. We should invite ppl over more often so you keep it this clean.
I’m going to need help writing his obituary.
In Hell you have to drive with balloons in the car and you have to put them in the car with the doors open.
I’m not an expert but still waiting for the day that I will actually use x²+y+8[(x+2y² = a-z]+2x³+(-2z = 2.4)+10y-5Z³ = k= 9 in real life.
Someone ripped the 5th month out of my calendar.
I’m dismayed…
Boy if these walls could talk I’d be like “HOLY SHIT TALKING WALLS”
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
My granddaughter is spending the night. Before she fell asleep she kept saying, “I miss my mom. I want my mom.” I said, “We’ll see her tomorrow. Besides, I’m your mom’s mom.” She said, “Well, I’d like to see your daughter.” 😂😂😂
me: [being beaten w/ nightstick] are u a virgo
cop: GET ON THE GROUND
me: that’s such a virgo thing to say
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
A techno song lasted longer
than my first marriage
I dunno why but this feels like a trap
i physically cannot make a spotify playlist without adding every song i’ve ever liked. i’ll start one called “sad :(” and it’ll end up with temperature by sean paul on it
me: I want to travel to the victorian era & meet a real gentleman [takes time machine back to 1860 England]
man: 31? what are u my grandma?
when your pet decides to sleep on your bed
The most important lesson I learned from watching The Muppet Show is when cooking meth always test your product on the drummer of the band
If these origami self defence classes have taught me anything, it’s…. well it’s how to make a paper goose actually, I think i’ve been had
them: did you know …
me: lemme stop you right there, pal you could fill an Amazon warehouse with what I don’t know
Met a guy from Iraq today who grew a full beard as I was meeting him.
Don’t trust anyone who wants to “get you out of your comfort zone.” Why would you ever want to leave something called a comfort zone?!
My first class ticket to the weekend never arrived, so I went couch.
My boss called in sick of me
Divorce is never funny. Unless it’s happening to your ex who got engaged six weeks after you broke up.
I’m sorry your wife touches the elf on the shelf more than you.
Me: I’ve completed a psychological profile on myself.
Brain: What have we learned?
Me: I need to stop talking to myself or wear a Bluetooth device on my walks.
Brain: Will this help to keep people from staring at you?
Me: Maybe wear clothes too.
United Airlines just tried to charge me $25 for the bags under my eyes.