i bet it really sucks to throw up if you’re a giraffe
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[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
Why can’t I be rubied or diamonded. NOOO. I had to be jaded.
Husband: *noticing my front clasp bra* Nice, did you buy that for me?
Me: *thinking how my shoulder no longer lets me reach my hand behind my back* Yeah, babe. You like it?
jesus, what did this guy do
Me: How awful do I look?
Him: You always look beautiful.
Me: Do I need to put makeup on?
Him: Maybe just a…
*stare*
Him: No.
A Muslim in London just told me Merry Christmas. I smiled and said and Happy Ramadan to you. A beautiful moment of interfaith harmony and a stunning rebuke of Brexit. Then she said but it’s not Ramadan and I said listen granny stop ruining this fake story I need the retweets.
ok i’ve proved i’m not a robot now you prove you’re not a human
The plumber came to fix the toilet & said, “Where is the water main?” so I turned on the tap & said, “Right here, main.”
Call me old timey, but I don’t stand for a lot of flim flam malarky.
If a cop is arresting you, just play the national anthem, he’ll be forced to stand still for the whole thing while you get away
my first real experience with gang violence was the buttercream gang.
Based on all of my exes I would have to say that Cupid has a wicked sense of humor.
I wish the Popemobile was outfitted more like a little aquarium for him. Put a treasure chest in there, maybe even a scuba guy.
[reading message i found in a bottle that drifted onto the beach]
to myself: “updog.. what’s updog?”
[another bottle hits my foot]
[inside fighter jet]
I hate this cd
“change it”
how?
“press eject”
ok
[nothing funny or unexpected happens because they are trained pilots]
Me:
My dad:
Me:
My dad: when was the last time u checked ur oil
Horrifying if literal: foot locker
The only time my doorbell rings is when someone is bringing me food so it will henceforth be called the dinner bell.
[company meeting]
Manager: $5000 in office supplies have gone missing. We are making some changes.
Me: [in paper clip chainmail, sweating]
I got a 100 dollar giftcard to Kmart and now I can’t decide which Kmart I want to buy.
After a long day at work I sat on the sofa in front of the TV.
Sensing I was stressed, my 7 year old sat next to me, smiled, and held my hand.
It’s nice and everything but it was my phone-holding hand.
Secure web server:
> Email/password please.
Insecure web server:
> I just don’t know if I’m good enough…am I?
coworker: hey circling back on that thing we talked about in december
me: stop living in the past
[family brunch]
Sister: We’d love you to be our daughter’s godmother.
Me: No thank you. Please pass the syrup.
<– Pops double collar and eats hamburger with a fork and knife
*Walks into school*
Simon says give me your Pokemon cards
Ok now close your eyes
*Walks out*
Kids are so dumb I didn’t even say Simon says
I have a dog to make sure that the sounds in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those sounds.
When I see a “How am I driving?” sticker, I want to take the driver in my arms and tell them that I too have questions about my existence
All firemen must dread the moment when they’re done for the day and have to find the strength to climb back up the pole.
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.