I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish.
No YOU’VE been drinking.
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Me: Santa, why are women so scary?
Santa: dude come on, I make $8.50 an hour, get off me.
(after bedtime)
3:DADDY COME INTO MY ROOM!
Me: go to sleep.
3:YOU HAVE TO COME IN BECAUSE I CAN’T HEAR YOU
M: yes you can
3:NO I CAN’T
[Hospital Parking Lot]
Me: I thought we were here to get your X Ray back.
Friend: Yeah *slashing tires* this is his car.
Wish I could cry like movie people with one graceful tear tracking down my face instead of looking like a tomato that fell on the floor.
This whole time I thought Ariana Grande was a font
Hotel clerk: Sir, how many room keys would you like?
Me: 37
I’ve been eating cucumber slices instead of chips and when I close my eyes, I pretend I’m eating something more enjoyable, like broken glass or rusty nails.
*me, struggling to please the members of our tea club*
“Please, everyone! Why can’t we all just get oolong?!
Why didn’t they just call the Selfie Stick a NarcissiStick?
Boss: For your first assignment I need 500 words about the healthcare debate by Friday
Me: *lied about going to journalism school* Oh wow ok umm
Bad
Unhealthy
Debateful
Shouty
Sadfaceemoji
Scary
Awkward
Hashtagnotgoals
Angr-
‘You’re beautiful and I love you,” I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied “I just want to be friends.”
I’m sorry I slapped you but you didn’t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing. If Santa knows when kids are naughty or nice then he knew Rudolph was being bullied
Waiter: And what would you like sir?
Me: I’d like the entire restaurant to stop gasping every time I say something.
Entire restaurant: *gasps*
Anyone who says living well is the best revenge has clearly never relocated a bat colony while their enemy was at work.
If I had a nickel for every time I got confused, I’d be like “where’d this nickel come from?” and then there’d be another nickel and I’d think “what’s with the nickels?” leading to more nickels and confusion and eventually I’d be slowly crushed by nickels without ever knowing why
You never feel as old as when you’re scrolling down to find your birth year
Me: Can I have some of your candy?
3-year-old: Can I have some of your beer?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: Deal.
Wife: NO!
The Hallmark channel. Where else can you watch a two hour movie and not recognize a single actor?
Wife: Will you rub my back?
Me: No thanks, the last one just started sleeping through the night
Oh, so you’re a human?
name three pictures with traffic lights in them
Yesterday someone on here said I was more attractive than an actual Prince, and that was a really weird way to discover that my mom had a Twitter account.
Cw: you have a call holding
M: put it in my voicemail
Cw: he has a sexy Australian accent
M: hiiii this is Jennifer
My mother keeps saying my boyfriend seems like someone who’d be really good with children. Except, she’s never seen him interact with children. She’s only seen him interact with me. So idk where that impression comes from…
we should absolutely get off work for Leap Day. you’re making me clock in on february 29th? a totally made up day? time is an illusion and so is capitalism. i’m going to the park
Me: I’m exhausted
Fitbit: You have taken 11 steps today
Vin Diesel eats two meals a day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
Amazing how a fight can break out at the grocery store over something as simple as knocking over someone’s cart and demanding they fight you
cashier: “would you like to donate to fight hunger?”
me: “oh, hunger wants to rumble?”
*dip knuckles in syrup & then in Cheerios
“im ready”
I think my microwave’s broken. I keep pressing the pizza button and no pizza is coming out