I bet “jerk chicken” is that chicken that cuts others off when the other chickens are trying to cross the road.
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I started my diet 2 hours ago, I’m glad that’s over.
“Hey, look, is that Dad?”
“Either that or Batman’s really let himself go.”
astrology is complicated but asking someone what their sign is and then responding with “yeah, that makes total sense” is super duper easy
It is snowing perfect snowball packing snow right now, so I was wondering if anyone would like to walk slowly past my house?
BRAAAAAIDS
-zombie sleepover
If breaking a mirror brings 7 years of bad luck, does breaking a lightbulb bring 7 years of bad ideas?
Kid bunny: why do humans think we lay eggs?
Dad bunny: i think it’s time we have “The Talk.”
Kid bunny: ok
Dad bunny: *leaning in to whisper* humans are idiots
telling people you’re single:
• “you’ll find someone”
• “have you tried tinder”saying “many have tried to date me and all have failed”:
• mystical
• empowering
• sword-in-the-stone vibes
On a scale of “glass half full” to “no plunger in your bathroom”, how optimistic are you?
The dietitian told me peanut butter is healthy if I eat it with something low-calorie, so I chose a spoon.
If I unfollow you, it’s because of the new follow button or because I don’t like you. Either way I am blaming the new button.
I was in a serious relationship once. We never even smiled.
[3rd date]
Kate: You wanna come back to mine for coffee?
Ian: Sure!
Kate: Have you got any condoms?
Ian: Do you not know how to make coffee?
I think I’m finally becoming more mature. Now when I watch Spongebob I usually agree with Squidward.
I found this set for $10 at a garage sale and I need someone else to be as excited about it as I am
I broke up with my boyfriend last night because his wife snores too loud.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘monosyllabic’
“Can you describe it in a sentence?”
Yes
Having a boyfriend is so awesome like there’s just a guy in ur house whose job it is to know where countries are and what exactly Watergate was
Me: k well my phones gonna die so I’ll ttyl
Mom: But ur office is a landline?
Me: oh…so it is….K well the building is on fire, sooo ttyl
Me: I don’t know…this one has a great turning radius but the other one just looks better.
Husband: For God’s sake, just grab the next available shopping cart!
*in bed*
Him: what’s your fantasy, baby?
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittles instead of gold
Him: No, like sexual
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittl-
the small neighbor human. is hanging outside with some ice cream. and it is melting. way faster than it is being eaten. the only real solution here. is for me to trot over and help
Therapist: tell me your dreams
Me: cheese
Therapist: no your weird dreams
Me: still cheese
Therapist: ok, your sexy dreams
Me: kinky cheese?
Here’s a fun number: 8
After months of testing, 8 is the number of whiskey sours I can have before my online students begin to notice that I am losing consciousness.
Life is a letter soup that has too many consonants and not enough vowels and all you can spell is borscht
I was the most experienced baker at a bread factory. A roll model, if you will.
I have come up with the most awkward event of all time: the Father-Son wedding dance.
My 6yo: There’s no school on Friday because it’s a teacher planning day. What does that mean?
Me: [mumbling] They plan on screwing up my Friday, that’s what.
BUZZ ALDRIN: I spy, with my little eye, something beginning with E.
NEIL ARMSTRONG: Earth?
BUZZ: Nope
*5 minutes silence*
BUZZ: OK, yep.
Think of a thing.
Theres an e cig flavor for that.