I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.
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The embarrassing moment when you bring handcuffs to ‘gamenight’ and she brings Monopoly.
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
“One box of murder hornets, please. And yes, it’s a gift.”
Deacon: Remember when you said you were open to ideas to get new members?
Pastor: Yes, why do you ask?
Deacon: How do you feel about knives?
Anyone who says “Let’s all put our phones down and talk with each other,” is just running out of battery and needs a charge.
Me: “Stay back! I’m an expert when it comes to karate!”
*mugger approaches*
Me: “Karate is a martial art developed on the Ryukyu Islands.”
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: What is it that you are both most fearful of?
WIFE: I just…[sobbing]…don’t want the kids to suffer
ME: Eels
You can’t stop your dogs from barking by yelling at them. They’re just like hell yes we’re all yelling now let’s all keep yelling this is great
Is it wrong to make change from the collection plate? Asking for a friend.
I have so many chores that I need to do, what Netflix show should I binge watch?
I would not hook up with the grinch but i would feel good if i found that he wanted hook up with me
NO I DON’T KNOW WHAT SIDE DISH I’M BRINGING BUT I’M ANNOYED SO IT WILL BE SOMETHING MASHED
Sorry I had to cancel for the 5th time in a row, I thought you would stop inviting me by now.
Batman: Why so down?
Aquaman: People think I’m not a real superhero. I’m tired of being walked all over.
*[Jesus enters]
Aquaman: Dammit!
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
I don’t need anything that a fettuccine Alfredo coma can’t cure.
Husband has entrusted me with sending holiday gifts to his employees. Should I sign them XoXo or is it considered more professional to spell out Hugs and Kisses?
The best way to prevent COVID is the consumption of durian fruit. It doesn’t kill the virus but it is excellent for social distancing
me looking at the supermarket camera after eating a grape
Some people smoke cigarettes, drink, post too much on social media…I wait for a windy summer day, find a wedding in a park, show up and release thousands of sheets of paper, tripping after them down the aisle through the crowd wailing “my novel!! my novel!”
Woman in grocery line: oh are you buying rice and beans for Coronavirus?
Me: No, I’m buying rice and beans because I’m Mexican.
it was the busta rhymes, it was the wursta rhymes
Him: You need to be more active in your community.
My Community: NOOOOO!!!!
*raises the last donut to the sky like Simba*
i came here to try to be funny, but instead, i’ve made a lot of friends. i count that as a massive failure
1996: Why do they call the internet “the web”
20 years later, trapped & unable to leave: Oh
Making crop circles IS a full time job, Troy. No one gets funding to study aliens if there are no aliens to study. Duh.
Bad joke of the day:
How do dog catchers get paid?
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By the pound.
someone please explain to my neighbour I wasn’t “fighting a box,” I was doing the recycling
I’m working on a movie about the life of Pennywise the clown after he quits killing kids to pursue a career in sticky notes called: Post-It