I bet kids who live in volcanoes pretend the floor is carpet
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Me: I’m gonna make you an offer you can’t refuse.
Him: Ma’am, for the last time, we don’t have a limit on how much liquor you can buy.
Everybody: Jurassic Park is a terrible idea and we are all gonna die violently
John Hammond: You have no vision
[Later, everyone is dead]
John Hammond: The important thing to remember is this is nobody’s fault and none of us could have predicted this
me: *slides $10 to barista* you know what to do
barista: [when my drink is ready] Brad Pitt!
me: oh no i’m not him lol. people confuse us all the time though.
BABY WARDEN: ok lights out
BABY INMATES: but we’re scared of the dark
[pitch black]
BABY WARDEN: oh shit lights back on! lights back on!
me: Why is Spider Man in the freezer?
7 year old: He knows why
First date: *puts entire onion ring in mouth* If yo’lik et ven yo’shoulla puh a wring owh it.
Psychiatrist:
“Tell me about your kids.”Me:
“Total disappointments.”Psychiatrist:
“I still think this is a conflict of interest, Dad.”
I doubt my humanity the most when I’m trying to read those wavy, twisty scripts that are meant to verify you’re human.
My friend is gay, and that’s his boyfriend, he’s gay too…
oh shoot the farmers market was out of cocoa krispies and actually ‘never had them’ and they ‘don’t think I understand what a farmers market is’
Wife’s friend: So what was your C section like?
Wife: Well, it wa….
Me: Omg it was AWFUL. I had to just stand there for like 30 minutes
Son: My pencil is stuck in this Spirograph.
Me: So, you’re having an exitstencil crisis?
What pharmaceutical advertisements love most:
Slow motion
Flowery meadows
Horrifying side effects
Old people sex
White people making dinner
She who has black counters shalt not purchase black cell phones
If only Lord Ram used Apple maps to reach Ayodhya, Beijing would have been celebrating Diwali today.
18 is TOO young to get married!
You can’t even buy booze at 18!
If you can’t buy booze, how the hell are you gonna make a marriage work?!?
[creation of snakes]
GOD: What happened here?
ANGEL: You said make them armless…
GOD: Harmless!
ANGEL: Ohhh
SNAKE: YOU IDIOTS!
Mom
She gave me life
She gave me love
She gave me sarcasm
She gave me the ability to
cut brake lines so that it
looks like an accident.
Drew blood trying to take a sexy lip bite pic and now I’m on vampire twitter. So, bye, I guess.
My daily affirmation before work goes something like this: “I enjoy receiving a paycheck.”
My dog barked at the thunder & as a joke I barked a gentle “woof” back & he looked startled. Now I’m worried about what I said to him.
COWORKER: Hi, this is embarrassing. *whispers* can I borrow a tampon?
ME: Sure, just leave it on my desk when you’re done.
I feel like movies exaggerate men’s enthusiasm for having meaningful conversations while playing pool.
I say ‘tomato’, you say ‘put your hands where I can see them and exit the vehicle slowly’ .
*feels painful possible cavity*
*eats chocolate to feel better*
Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.
After kids: My mind is a steel colander.
How’s your Saturday going?
I’ll go first: my 10 yo came upstairs from his video game haze to tell me the dog peed on the rug again. We don’t have a dog.
when someone calls you and you miss the call but you call them back literally one second later and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did you drop your telephone in a well. did you get axe murdered.
If your surname is Rice and you don’t name your kid, Fried then I can never be friends with you.
I knew my kid inherited my artistic abilities back when she drew that cute little pig. She called it a dog, but whatever.