I bet Lance Armstrong is smugly saying “at least I didn’t kill anybody” to like every person he sees today.
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My Nissan uncomfortably seats 7 if any group of people wants to take an intimate road trip
If you keep laughing then you’ll always have the last laugh.
The 90s were wild. Scientists actually “cloned a sheep” as if we could tell sheep apart in the first place.
“Next time can you make something I like?”
*my kid leaving a review about his school lunch
SALMON: Who has been spreading gossip I thought I could trust you two
TROUT: I don’t know, who could it be?!
BIG MOUTH BASS: Yeah, who??
they should have called it “Checkmate” instead of “Tinder”
My family was totally confused tonight because there’s a candle lit that smells like a cake is baking without burning
I don’t do that
My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.
I gave my son an iPhone for Christmas and I haven’t seen him since.
Parenting is easy.
me alone with my thoughts vs me alone with my thoughts five minutes later
An app that makes your phone ring whenever someone asks “so what’s next for you”
Welcome to your forties.
You brag about how early you went to bed and you’re jealous if someone beats you.
Heading out crocodile.
See you another time alligator.
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: Pretty much but I have to fake some of the David Bowie parts because I’m not sure the words
I really hate working late. My ride turns into a pumpkin and I always end up losing a shoe.
THIS SHIT HAS ME DEAD 😭
[At gym]
*steps onto treadmill*
Fitbit: Whoa, girl, you sure about this?
“Just how serious are you about keeping me as a customer?”
*slides hand across table to take a second promotional pen
law suits: quality garments for lawyers
DOG 911: what’s the emergency?
DOG: a boy threw a ball but I can’t find it
DOG 911: did u check his hand?
DOG: of course I checked hi—DAMMIT
Me: 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
Friend: Cry
Me: *crying* 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
i haven’t been able to stop thinking about this for days… what did he mean… what does he know
I ate the worst cake of my life today, but then again that must have been why it was free at the urinal.
No thanks, Genie. I’m not falling for the old “rub the magic lamp” trick again.
If by free thinker you mean nobody has given me a penny for my thoughts then yeah, I’m a free thinker.
[spending entire date hiding the fact I’m really a beaver]
“ow”
what’s wrong?
“I got a splinter”
may I see?
“I guess so”
delicious
“pardon?”
*For those who believe everything they see on social media, kindly watch this.*(👆)
Why do cars slow down when they see a cop has pulled someone over? HE’S A LITTLE BUSY TO WORRY ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW DUMMIES
midwife: “congratulations keith, you have a baby boy, he’s exactly 7 pounds”
me: [looks at my wife as i pat my pockets] “i didn’t bring any money”
Him: Alcohol isn’t the answer.
Me: OK, what’s the answer?
Him:
Me: *sips flask*