I bet Lincoln is looking down like “dude, trust me, that is not a bad night in a theater”
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FRIEND. My daughter just hates her job
ME: My dogter loves hers
F: You mean dau..
ME: *shows her a pic of a puppy in scrubs* She’s a dogtor
Play a fun prank with your kids by hiding a bigger Elf on the Shelf in your house each day so in a few weeks he’s 10 feet tall and they’re absolutely terrified of Christmas.
January is the biggest month every year in my office for divorce filings.
So when someone says “Tis the season to be jolly!” I cynically think “Well. We shall see.”
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
Why are so many people going everywhere whenever I have to go anywhere?
Splinter: ok I’ve made some coloured disguises for you all
Donatello: to protect our identities?
Splinter: exactly Raphael
Michaelangelo: lol he’s not Raphael
Splinter: sorry you’re right Leonardo
Raphael: master, that’s not-
Splinter: just put them on please
Seems a lot like 2021 keeps asking, “What would 2020 do?”
•a lion stalks a fawn•
•a man steps out from behind tree•
I’m Chris Hansen from NBCs to catch a predator, do u know how old that deer is?
*steps on Lego*
*stumbles backwards and trips over more Legos*
*throws all Legos away*
*Grandparents buy more Legos for Christmas*
Society: Let’s give mothers their very own day.
Me: What about sharks?
Society: We’ll give them a whole week.
Taylor Swift seems like the kind of chick who’d stare at her boyfriend while he’s sleeping.
So, when people say “LOLZ”, does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?
Some of you would make better cellmates than soulmates.
my cat’s getting pretty choosy about wet food for someone who was 85% off at the shelter
I want to put a ‘Honk If You Love Jesus’ bumpersticker on a goose
What’s the past tense of “wake & bake”?
“Woke and boke”?
“Awake and baked”?
“Awakened and baconed”?Whatever it is, I’m that
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
Me: hey girl r u an earthquake
Her: aw bc I rock ur world?
Me: no bc your unpredictability threatens the entire foundation of my existence
I’m home alone for the first time in 45 years and I’m only 39
Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.
The worst thing about owls is the way they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.
Her: Well, I don’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth…
Me: Then don’t floss in a mirror.
The soft snowflakes swirling in the night sky remind me of the time mom had too much gin and threw a roast duck at dad for taking her youth.
Me: i’m just here for shits and giggles
Taco Bell employee: *passes me my order* i can’t promise you the giggles
Nobody on this train is decent enough to give up their seat for a pregnant woman & now I gotta stand here w/my sweater balled up in my coat.
I’m kind of a big deal on the semi-pro yoyo circuit.
What do you call a monkey in a mine field?
A babooom!
Maintaining the universe’s equilibrium by taking on all the stuff everyone is giving up for Lent
I once dated a guy only because he had a cool hidden safe behind a painting in the hallway he kept the spare toilet paper rolls in there
I told my Mom that I was going to the Apple store and she said, “You sound like you’re 4 – it’s the grocery store”.